Martin the Warrior, Abridged
by Lady Storm
Summary: An abbreviated adventure. Please do not read the reviews.
1. Plot Introductions

**Martin the Warrior, (really really) abridged.**

CHAPTERS 1-8.

**Someplace outside Redwall Abbey, Mossflower,**** MANY MANY YEARS/SEASONS/WHATEVER AFTER THE MAIN STORY. THIS IS WHAT WE CALL A 'PROLOGUE'**

Aubretia the Mouse: S'up kids.

Dibbuns Playing Outside: Hey there pretty lady. Want to see my abbey?

Aubretia: I'm confused as to what that was supposed to mean, but yes.

Her Hedgehog Friend: Not like we just came here from a place called Noonvale _JUST FOR THAT PURPOSE_ or anything.

Aubretia: Does that count as foreshadowing?

Hedgehog Friend: Take us to your leader.

**REDWALL ABBEY**

Some Mouse: Wow, who's that babe?

Aubretia: Babe? I'm actually pretty old.

Some Mouse: Uh… it's a term that… uh… nevermind.

Aubretia: I look like a long-deceased mousemaid that may or may not be a crucial element to your abbey.

Abbot Saxtus: Well, since this **is** the Jacques-Required-Pre-story-Introduction Scene, I guess you're going to have to tell us all about it.

Aubretia: Alright. So you all know that mouse in yonder tapestry over there?

Redwallers: _Duh_. That's Martin the Warrior.

Aubretia: Let me tell you about him.

Kids: Oh boy! Story time!

Aubretia: Settle down and grab a pipe, this is going to take a while.

Hedgehog Friend: Can I go to the bathroom first?

Aubretia: NO! This is the last time we'll be seen for at least thirty chapters!

Hedgehog Friend: But I -

**SOMEPLACE FAR FAR AWAY, MANY YEARS AGO, I'M GUESSING TO THE SOUTH, AT A HALF-BUILT FORT ON THE BEACH WHERE THE REAL STORY STARTS**

Badrang the Evil Stoat: I am Badrang, I am a stoat, and I am therefore the evilest of all.

Young Slave's Testimony: Oh yes, he is evil. He collects innocent creatures and enslaves them, forcing them to build a fort for him where he will continue to enlarge his empire, called Marshank!

Readers: How evil!

Young Slave's Testimony: And his captains whip us and don't let us bathe and starve us and we have to sleep in a weird roofless hut and sometimes they... they… they make us _COOK FOR THEM_.

Readers: How _TERRIFYINGLY_ evil!

Young Slave's Testimony: But strangely enough, we all get dental. *shows off pearly-white teeth*

Readers: Huh.

Hisk the Weasel Captain: Back to work! What is this, a weekend getaway?

Young Mouse: *flat stare*

Hisk the Weasel Captain: Um, right, carry on then.

Badrang: So, when's my uber-fort of damnation and domination going to be finished?

Hisk: Er, not for a while, sir.

Badrang: What am I paying you for? It would be in your best interest to FINISH IT SOON.

Hisk: Eep! You! Old thing! You should be working!

Old Squirrel: I am!

Hisk: It looks like you're just eating dirt.

Old Squirrel: Same thing.

Hisk: *whips him, but the whip catches Old Squirrel's footpaw and he falls down*

Hisk: Hah haha! I will continue to beat you because I am cruel and my boss is watching!

Young Mouse: *steps in and catches the whip mid-swing*

Hisk: Dude, what? Let go! What are you – argh!

Young Mouse: *starts beating Hisk with his own whip, then - holy crap - tries to strangle him*

Readers: *look around nervously* This is a Redwall book?

Author: Oh _yeah. _And it gets better.

All Other Captains: *run to the scene and start to beat Young Mouse senseless*

Badrang: Hey! What's going on here? *The captains lay off to reveal angry, snarling, and beaten Young Mouse*

Badrang: I remember you. You're the young mouse I ganked from the north shores, always causing me trouble and holding some rather uncalled-for hostility! If you don't calm down, I'll kill you with this sword.

Young Mouse: THAT SWORD RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO ME, _MARTIN SON OF LUKE_, YOU SOGGY-BOTTOMED TRAMPFACE.

Badrang: Oh, right. Wouldn't it suck if I killed you with it?

Martin: **RAGE.**

Badrang: What's your name, boy?

Martin: MARTIN SON OF LUKE. I TOLD YOU THAT, ASSHAT. AND IF I WAS YOUR BOY I'D HANG MYSELF. GO DIE.

Badrang: What aggression! Well, let's see if a bit of rain won't cool you off, harharhar!

Ominous Storm: *begins to brew*

**SOMEWHERE SLIGHTLY FARTHER AWAY**

Pretty Mousemaid Whom Aubretia Looks Like: If you don't mind I'm going to start singing, because I need to establish that I am a wonderful singer, even though we're perilously close to the uber-fort of damnation and domination where my brother was doubtlessly taken, and therefore may get us both captured as well.

Mole Companion: Rock on.

Readers: Haaaaaa. He's a mole, and he said rock on. I GET IT.

Mole Companion: Also, I will not speak molespeak, cause it's bloody hard. Now, back story time! I am Grumm Trencher, this is Laterose of Noonvale, and we're questing to bring back her brother Brome, who has a temper and a slight obsession we won't mention yet and took off and got himself captured (we think) and is an important character for the book's side-plot! Well not really he's pretty useless but you won't find that out until chapter whatever.

Laterose: Yup. Now make me some soup, tomorrow we approach the uber-fort of damnation and domination where our lives will probably be forever changed.

Grumm: I do like soup.

**IN THE SLAVE COMPOUND**

Old Squirrel, Actually Named Barkjon: Oh dear! And to think it's my fault Martin's up there! If only we could help him!

His Son, Felldoh: This is nothing. The scavenger birds that come tomorrow will rip him piece by piece.

Barkjon: Oh _damn._

Felldoh: You know, like zombies. First they rip off your arms… then your legs… then bits of your neck… then your stomach… blood spurting everywhere…

Barkjon: What kind of movies are you watching?

Felldoh: The bad Saturday night Sci-fi ones.

Barkjon: Son, you have issues.

Felldoh: Yeah, but that hasn't been revealed yet.

**OUTSIDE, IN THE MIDDLE OF A REALLY BAD STORM**

Martin: *tied between two posts* Just in case this wasn't clear, I hate you ALL.

Flashback Time: *has arrived*

**FLASHBACK: NORTHERN SHORES, MANY A SEASON AGO**

Young Martin: Dad, you can't leave. That's abandonment, not to mention child neglect, and I'm pretty sure it'll give me issues when I'm older.

Martin's Dad, Luke: Nah. Despite the fact that vermin have come to these shores in the past and even _killed your mother_, I think everybeast will be fine until I come back! Besides, your grandma will take care of you!

Veteran Readers: *pause for irony*

Martin: Well, at least put me in charge, not that uppity jerk Timballisto.

Luke: Son, you're still a dibbun. What are you going to rule with, your bib?

Martin: I hate you. I hate you a lot.

Luke: What was that?

Martin: Nothing.

Luke: Look son, I **have** to leave to avenge my dead wife and fallen tribesmice, killed by the evil Vilu Daskar. That's an important plot point in another book, remember that. I simply can't take you with me, you've got your own books to feature in! Okay, I know. Here, have my sword.

Martin: For cereal?

Luke: I'm super cereal.

Martin: Now I know how Luke felt when he got his first lightsaber!

Luke: Stay here and protect the tribe, the weak, the lame, the innocent, the funny-looking ones, and the smelly ones. Never trust a beast who wears velvet, remember the warrior's code, and that the milk goes bad in three days.

Martin: I can barely lift the sword though!

Luke: You'll be _fine_. See you when I come back!

Veteran Readers: *headdesk headdesk headdesk*

**ANOTHER FLASHBACK, A FEW SEASONS LATER**

Martin: Timballisto is an uppity jerk! I'm going to go sulk far away from the caves where it's dangerous and leave an obvious trail and take my new shiny pokeystabbeyrippything with me to chop firewood so I don't get in trouble!

Martin's Grandma Windred: Lackaday, idiot grandson! Do you know how far from the caves you are? We could be ambushed by vermin this very moment!

Badrang: Hey girl hey.

Windred: Oh snap.

Martin: Hey, leave her alone! I'll fight you with this sword I still can't carry! Nngghh-nevermind.

Badrang: Take 'em, boys! And let me see that shiny pokeystabbeyrippything!

**BACK AT MARSHANK **

Martin: …And that's how I got captured, had my father's lightsaber taken from me, was forced to march in slave lines, had to watch my own grandmother die and leave her corpse to rot, and then was forced to build that stoat a fort under atrocious conditions.

Readers: You know you're reading a Redwall book when the characters go through stuff that would land humans in an asylum.

Martin: BAADRAAAANG! I'M MARTIN SON OF LUKE THE WARRIOR! YOU'RE JUST A PANSY AND BY MY FATHER'S SWORD I WILL **BREAK** YOU, MESSILY AND PAINFULLY! I SWEAR IT!

Readers: Why is he shouting? It's not like anybeast can-

Far-off Voice of Destiny: *shouting across the storm* S'up, Martin.

Martin: Hey. Who're you?

Far-off Voice: I'm Laterose, Daughter of Urran Voh, Chief of Noonvale! Call me Rose! (Oh, and that's Grumm.) Anyway, so, I know you're, like, suffering up there and stuff, but would you happen to know my brother, a beast called Brome, by any chance? We're here to save him. Not you.

Martin: Um, no, and I won't have any chance to. Have you noticed I'm tied to two poles here, and am sentenced to death by the morrow?

Rose: Oh, right. Well that sucks.

Martin: Yeah.

Rose: Yeah. Soooo… want me to, like… send somebeast a message…. Or something…?

Martin: Dude, I have **nobeast**. I'm going to **die** here. Even if I survive the storm, the birds are going to **eat** me. Like **zombies**.

Rose: Right, right. That's pretty terrible.

Martin: Yeah.

Rose: Yeah.

Martin: ….

Rose: ….

Martin: SO CAN YOU HELP ME?

Rose: Alright, alright, keep your knickers on, I'll try to figure something out.

Martin: … *silent*

Rose: Hello? Can I hear some gratitude?

Martin: ….

Grumm: Dude's passed way out, yo. Must be all the yelling and expectant silences.

Rose: Huh. That sucks. He's pretty cute, you know, for a rodent. Even though he looks rather pitiful up there. We gotta try to save him!

Readers: OH THE STIRRINGS OF YOUNG LOVE!

Veteran Readers: *sob*

**THE NEXT DAY, THE STORM HAS PASSED, AND THE GULLS THEY ARE A-CIRCLIN'**

Badrang: Gyahaha, time to die, my pretty! You, fugly! Git up there and wake up sleeping beauty!

Gurrad the Rat: *gets up there and wakes up sleeping beauty by slapping him* Here, princess, have some water.

Martin: *drinks some but spits the rest in Gurrad's face* Bitch, who you callin' princess? I kick your ass, boy!

Readers: Whoa, whoa! _Children's book!_

Martin: Oh right. Ahem. What did you call me you… jerk? I'll whoop your… butt!

Gurrad: For all your threatening street slang, the garnets look pretty hungry!

Martin: …Oh snap.

The Slaves Gathered Below To Watch Martin Die: Hell's bells!

Soundtrack: DUN DUN DUN

**HIDDEN A LITTLE FARTHER AWAY**

Rose: Look! Fierce scavenger birds are circling around Martin!

Grumm: Oh, hell's bells!

Soundtrack: DUUUN DUUUN DUUN

**EVEN SLIGHTLY MORE FURTHER AWAY, AT SEA**

Cap'n Tramun Clogg: *is ugly*

His Ship: *is approaching Marshank*

Some Corsair: LAND HO!

Cap'n Clogg: Har harr! It's high time we paid me bucko Badrang a visit, eh?

Some Corsair: Aye, just a friendly visit!

Cap'n Clogg: Yeah, real friendly. His throat's about to be great friends with my dagger, see!

The Whole Crew: *evil laughter*

Readers: I SMELL A SIDE-PLOT!

Soundtrack: _DUUUUUUN DUUUUUUUN *gasp* DUUUUUUUUN_

**BACK AT MARSHANK**

Martin: Well, I've lived a shitty life, and never amounted to anything, and couldn't even keep my promises, but… I guess death by painful pecking isn't so bad.

Birds Swooping Closer: Creeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Martin: I TAKE IT BACK, I'M TOO YOUNG AND FULL OF POTENTIAL TO DIE! I HAVE TWO MORE BOOKS TO FEATURE IN! AAAAARGH!

Veteran Readers: Don't forget a whole series of cameos.

Birds Swooping Closer: *diving in for the kill when suddenly a horrible screech cuts through the air* What the…

Badrang And Others: What the?

Really Horrible Screech: *is much louder and angrier*

Birds Swooping Uncomfortably Close: I'm just a scavenger species! I didn't sign up for this!

Badrang: Okay, somebeast just ruined my awesomely gory punishment by painful pecking. Not cool.

Bluehide the Ferret: That… that was the great eagle's cry. You don't mess with that!

Gurrad: Idjit, ain't no great eagles round here! This is BRITAIN.

Eagle's Really Horrible Screech: *is very much there*

Bluehide: Haha, your geography sucks, loser.

Badrang: Fugly, come here! Put a fish around his neck to entice the birds. And you, kilt-wearing weirdo, git over here.

Kilt-Wearing Weirdo Weasel: *gets over there*

Badrang: *slashes his kilt and grabs its cord* Now use this to tie it.

Vermin: *laugh*

Readers: What? The vermin are laughing cause the weasel's naked? But… some of them don't even wear pants in the first place! Is this really a kid's book?

Veteran Readers: CHILDREN'S BOOK! CHILDREN'S BOOK!

**SLIGHTLY FARTHER AWAY, ROSE'S AND GRUMM'S HIDEOUT**

Rose: Phew, all done!

Grumm: Think again.

Rose: Huh? They're dying a dead fish to Martin's neck!

Grumm: This reminds me of a certain fanfic.

Rose: This is no time for inter-fanfiction references! Here, get your sling ready, we must save my potential love interest!

**MARSHANK'S WALLTOP**

Gurrad: Hold still while I put this fish around yer neck, princess!

Martin: *evading the fish* What did I say about the word 'princess', my foot, and your… *checks profanity filter* butt?

Gurrad: Um, that you'd – ack! *drops the fish* Who threw a pebble at me?

Badrang: What is that idjit doing? He just dropped the fish!

Gurrad: *bends over the pick up the fish, gets a rock thrown at his rear that sends him flying*

Badrang: Oh, this is **so** on. EVERYBEAST TO THE WALLTOP!

Everybeast: *to the walltop*

Readers: Seriously? Straight into the line of fire? **That's** a good strategy.

Everybeast: *gets stoned, literally* OUR OUCH SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE OW FROM TESTS AND OOF CALCULATED RESEARCH DETERMINES ARGH THE ROCKS ARE BEING THROWN FROM YIPES THE BEACH!

Readers: *facepalm*

Veteran Readers: Also that pun was terrible.

**IN THE COURTYARD BELOW**

Felldoh the Awesome: Heh heh, ingrates. *picks up rocks and starts throwing them*

Skalrag the Fox: *gets his ear practically taken out* Wha-? OUR RESULTS LIE! THE ROCKS ARE FROM INSIDE! SCIENCE FAILED UUUUUSS!

Some Other Vermin: Lies, you buffoon, they're from the shore – ouch!

Chaos: *is very much reigning*

Badrang: So not cool, so not cool! *lies down to avoid rocks, sees approaching ship* …Oh, crappish hell. Everybeast back inside, and cut that mouse down! STAT!

Badrang's Retreat: *is very undignified*

**ROSE'S AND GRUMM'S HIDEOUT**

Rose: VICTORY! My potential love interest is safe for now!

Grumm: Um, I hate to always rain on your parade, but… *points to sea*

Rose: *sees the Ship of Doom* Sigh.

**ON THE SHIP OF DOOM**

Much Evil Plotting: *is going on*

**IN MARSHANK'S THRONE ROOM**

Badrang: So, kid, you're pretty strong and awesome and stuff. I sense you're going to be featured in at least two more books. Wanna join my army?

Martin: *bound and tied on the floor* Wanna come a little closer?

Badrang: *comes closer*

Martin: Closer.

Badrang: *comes closer*

Martin: *lunges and bites his arm to the bone*

Badrang: OH THE PAIN AAAAAAAH so I'll take that as a no OUCH OUCH GUARDS THROW THIS MANGY SLAVE INTO the pit of despair THE PRISON PIT!

Martin: *carried off* I'll kill you one day, stinkfur! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Badrang: Bah, he'll die out there. Despite that fact that he is obviously a warrior-born and this is probably the book's biggest plot point, I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR FROM HIM.

Veteran Readers: *facepalm*

**IN thepitofdespair THE PRISON PIT**

Martin: *thrown in, lands heavily below and is heaved upright* …Um, whoever's groping me, could you…?

Somebeast: Oh, sorry. I was trying to undo the rope!

Martin: …Right.

Some Other Beast: At least you're alive, mate. I'm Felldoh.

Martin: S'up. *brofist* What are you doing here?

Felldoh: Eh, got caught dealing some divine justice when you were tied up.

Martin: Awesome. Was there blood?

Felldoh: _Lots._

Martin: Cool, bro. *high fives*

Somebeast: This is definitely **not **cool! What if we're stuck here forever? *starts shaking Martin violently* What if I never get to watch another soap opera again?

Martin: Stop it, stop it! Who are you?

Somebeast: I'm Brome the mouse. I never hurt anyone! Sob! I was looking for the Long Lost Tapes of Days Of Our Lives, and I figured, if they're lost, I should look for them, so I was searching out here, then the evil vermin caught me and stuck me here and THERE'S STILL NO TAPES!

Martin: …Brome, you said?

Brome: What?

Martin: Oh, nothing. I just had a chat with your sister the other day. Something about rescuing you, I think. I could be wrong.

Brome: REALLY? Well in that case, we're saved! Nothing to worry about! Yay! *falls asleep*

Martin: I feel bad for whoever's been stuck with that kid.

Felldoh: *sigh*

**IN MARSHANK**

Badrang: So.

Cap'n Clogg: So.

Badrang: What brings ye here, fine friend, marvelous matey?

Cap'n Clogg: Oh, you know. Jes' looking fer some revenge fer you leaving me stuck on an island, is all.

Badrang: Oh, is that so.

Cap'n Clogg: Yessiree.

Badrang: Hm. And how are you going to do that, precisely?

Cap'n Clogg: *mutters* poison you.

Badrang: What?

Cap'n Clogg: I said, er, points on you! I see you've done well fer yerself! Problem is, mate, all your base are belong to us.

Badrang: Hah! *points his pokeystabbeyrippything* NO! It's mine, ALL MINE!

Cap'n Clogg: I WANT IT ALL AND I WANT IT NOW! *draws out his cutlass*

Queen: *is playing in the background*

Readers: Dude, _what?_

Badrang: Archers at the ready!

Archers: *are at the ready*

Cap'n Clogg: Aaaaah, fine. Put that knife down, son, I'll go back to me ship all quiet like. …Asshole.

Badrang: What was that?

Cap'n Clogg: I said, 'a hole'. I'm tired and need a hole for me head, is all. *as he and his crew leave* I'll get that dirty sonnova one day!

Veteran Readers: Basically the point of this scene is to point out that these guys hate each other.

Readers: Cool.

**OUTSIDE BY THE PRISON PIT**

An Otter Named Keyla: You're looking pretty sick there, sir.

Gurrad: *shivering* Don't be stupid, it's just cause it's so cold out here! Hurry up with feeding the prisoners!

Keyla: Cold? It's just a lovely evening sea breeze, sir. Maybe you have the fever. How about you head in while I finish up?

Gurrad: Hmm…. That's not just a devious excuse to help the prisoners plot their escape, is it?

Keyla: Psssshaw!

Gurrad: Alright, I'm heading in then. Be quick! *leaves*

Felldoh: Hey dog! Hurry over here so you can help us plot our escape!

Keyla: Heh.

**OUSIDE THE MAIN GATE**

Rose: I hope my potential love interest is alright.

Grumm: Eh, he'll be fine. I can tell he's going to be featured in at least two more books. Wait, sssh – somebeast's singing!

Keyla's Rhymy Ballad: *is clever and clueful*

Rose: *replies in an equally cool jingle*

Keyla: *sings out a warning song that somebeast's coming instead of just saying "hide" like normal people*

Rose: Well that's that then. *hides*

Readers: What was the point of this scene?

**SCENE I NEED TO INCLUDE SO THAT THINGS MAKE SENSE**

Scene Where Keyla Sings A Medicine Song For Idiotic Vermin And Gets Rid Of Them: *happens*

**IN THE SLAVE COMPOUND WHERE MUCH PROTAGONIST PLOTTING IS AFOOT**

Barkjon: So, guys, I totes believe that Martin and my son will save us.

Somebeast: What about the other mouse in there?

Barkjon: That weirdo obsessed with soap operas? I don't think he'll be any use to us.

Hillgorse the Hedgehog: Whatever. We must PLOT OUR REBELLION!

Barkjon: Yes! Listen while I dictate our daring defiance!

Dwurp the Traitorous Vole: …You're all going to die.

All: What?

Dwurp: Um, nothing.

Barkjon: Nope, get out here you sniveling cowa- I mean, friend. What did you want to say?

Dwurp: Well, you're all going to get yourselves, and most importantly, _me_, killed. So I say don't do it.

Barkjon: No chance. WE ARE REBELLING, OH HO YES. And if shit goes down, and somebeast happens to tell the vermin our plans? Well, there's no need to make threats among friends, but… *glare*

Dwurp: …*slinks off*

Readers: This scene was meant as foreshadowing right?

Veteran Readers: Yes, but shut up!

**AROUND THE PRISON PIT & WALLTOP, AND WHERE SOME SCENES ARE SKIPPED AND CONDENSED**

Keyla: So, the guards aren't moving. Any ideas on how to tell your sister… and Grumm… how to rescue us?

Felldoh: I got nothing.

Martin: Nope.

Brome: Uh-uh.

Keyla: I can't believe you guys are the ones that are going to dramatically and heroically rescue us, seriously.

Rat Guards: SHADDAP DOWN THERE! AN' QUIT GIVIN' AWAY SPOILERS!

Keyla: It's not me, it's the prisoners talking. They've got a fever!

Guards: And is the prescription MORE COWBELL?

Keyla: …No.

Guards: Well then I'm not getting anywhere close to that pit of despair prison pit!

Brome: *shouting unbelievably loud* HELP ME, HELP ME I'M A-DYIN' OF THE FEVER! Oh! My fever, it's over NINE THOUSAND!

Guards: Shut up, you'll wake everybeast up!

Rose, Outside: Nine thousand! That's the code! Hold on… *does the eagle cry*

Guards: WHAT IS GOING ON.

Brome: Sweet, guys, she's listening. I SAID, MY FEVER'S GOT A LEVEL OF OVER NINE THOUSAND!

Rose: Right! That's Ancient Noonvalian for 'face the centre of the gates and walk twenty paces to the south, then dig down twice my height and straight tunnel from the twenty pace mark!'

Grumm: …You got all that from 'nine thousand'? Seriously?

**MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH**

Badrang: Report.

Skalrag: No sign of Clogg, sir. And, er, the prisoners are suffering with fevers of over nine thousand, reportedly.

Badrang: Nine thousand? That wouldn't happen to be a reference to an internet meme, would it?

Skalrag: Uh… what?

Badrang: Nothing. You know what would be funny? IF YOU DON'T FINISH MY FORT SOON AND I AM FORCED TO THROW YOU IN THERE TOO. Wouldn't that be hilarious?

Skalrag: Um can I beat a hasty retreat now?

Badrang: Fool.

**OUTSIDE WITH OUR HEROIC RESCUERS**

Rose: …Aaaand dig right here.

Grumm: Yo ho mole away! *digs*

Rose: Well, that's that. We're in the middle of considerable danger and a risky rescue operation, but I think I'm going to have myself some tea and scones because that's totally appropriate at the moment. Somehow. Probably.

Readers: I am so confused.

**SOMEWHERE ELSE AT MARSHANK**

Dwurp: *slinking around*

Skalrag: Yo, what's going on around the camp, buddy?

Dwurp: I ain't your buddy, guy.

Skalrag: Well I ain't your guy, friend.

Dwurp: Well I'm not your friend, buddy.

Skalrag: Okay okay. What's up?

Dwurp: Well they're planning a rebellion bla bla bla stealing tools to revolt with bla bla bla prisoners escaping bla.

Skalrag: I see. And do ye know how they're going to do any of that?

Dwurp: No clue.

Skalrag: Beautiful. A fish and some wine for yer troubles.

Readers: AAAAH EVIL TRAITOROUS VOLE!

Veteran Readers: Dude it was obvious from the beginning.

Brian Jacques: It was not! I was subtle and foreshadowy and clever!

Veteran Readers: Yeeeeaaaaah.

**IN THE PIT OF DESPAIR PRISON PIT**

Brome: What if she gets it wrong, and we're stuck here forever without any soap operas?

Felldoh: Listen, I'm sure she'll figure it out.

Brome: But then what if… hey, why is your forehead bleeding?

Martin: Because I've been beating it against the wall.

Brome: Oh. Well anyway, what if –

Martin & Felldoh: SIGH.

Brome: -Grumm encounters a land mine and blows up and a plane engine crashes on us and we all DIE?

Martin: I… don't think that's going to happen.

Brome: Or if the climate suddenly desalinizes and the ice caps melt and everything floods and we all DIE?

Felldoh: That's not going to happen within one day, so I think we're safe.

Brome: Or if aliens come to earth and want to take over this planet but are allergic to water but we don't know that and they nearly kill us all before we defeat them and we all DIE?

Felldoh: Why would we die if we already defeated them?

Brome: 2012! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!

Martin: I was not this pessimistic when I was a kid.

Felldoh: I think it's television and computers, rotting everyone's brain.

Martin: Yes, what completely useless activities. Who in their right minds would sit in front of a screen for hours on end?

Brome: OHALMIGHTYJACQUES WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIEEEEE!

Felldoh: I swear I'm going to club that kid.

Skalrag: QUIET DOWN THERE! All your references to catastrophic movies are making me anxious! Therefore, we won't feed you anymore!

Brome: Oh snap.

Martin: You make me sad. *starts kicking at the wall*

Felldoh: Ah, good idea. *kicks at the wall*

Brome: …Que haceis?

Martin: We're making sure Grumm can tell where we are by locating the vibrations in the earth.

Felldoh: In the meantime, talk about something.

Brome: Well on the last episode of Passions Martha was pregnant with Jareth's baby but she was falling for Eric who was terminal and –

Martin: Something INTERESTING.

Brome: …I got nothing.

Martin & Felldoh: SIGH.

**SLIGHTLY FARTHER AWAY, TUNNELING**

Grumm: Due to some idiots kicking at the earth, I think I know where I'm going, even when I lost my course due to that land mine I had to avoid. I should be done by midnight.

Rose: Sweet! Make sure you watch out for that plane engine.

**JUST OFFSHORE**

Cap'n Clogg's Log Boats Of Treachery And Villainy: *approach ominously*

**ON THE WALLTOPS**

Watch Guard #1: D'ye hear that?

Watch Guard #2: No.

Watch Guard #1: The earth is shaking!

Watch Guard #2: Yer crazy. Ye'll be tellin' me we're under attack next.

Watch Guard #1: No, seriously, I think somebeast is digging. Look! I just saw a pile of sand fly off over there!

Watch Guard #2: You have a bad case of the stupids.

Watch Guard #1: I'M SERIOUS. Look, I think I see shapes moving bel- *shot, dies*

Watch Guard #2: ATTACK, ATTACK, WE'RE UNDER ATTAAAAAAAAACK!

Watch Guard #1's Ghost: *violent profanity*

**NOT FAR FROM WHERE THE CORSAIRS ARE RUNNING PAST**

Rose: *hides* Run, Fore- I mean, hurry, Grumm, hurry!

**IN THE PIT OF DESPAIR**

Brome: *sleeping*

Martin: You know, maybe Brome was on to something.

Felldoh: Yeah, I'm tired too. I don't think Grumm's coming.

Martin: No, I mean, I think we might be getting invaded by aliens, cause I can hear lots of running and screaming and I _think _somebeast said "not my baby".

Felldoh: Oh you heard that too? Yeah, then we're going to die here.

Martin: *gets angry* I REFUSE! YOU LOSE, GOOD DAY SIR! *kicks wildly, his paw goes through and kicks Grumm in the face* …Oh, um. Hello.

Grumm: Somebeast ordered a rescue, half ironic, half jubilant?

Felldoh and Martin: HELL YEAH.

**AT THE FORTRESS**

Gurrad: IT'S TRAMUN CLOGG! HE'S ATTACKING!

Badrang: Where's Skalrag! I've got a nefarious plan that includes sneaking out and burning Clogg's ship while he's distracted!

Readers: OH SO NEFARIOUS!

The Battle: *is raging*

Cap'n Clogg: Harhar! Come on, crew, give 'em hell! Badrang, I'll wear yer guts fer garters!

Readers: ….Um, that's slightly disgusting.

Veteran Readers: NOT LITERALLY! It's an expression!

Readers: I'm just saying, the visual imagery -

Veteran Readers: Ugh.

Cap'n Clogg: *is using his ship's keel as a battering ram against the Marshank gates*

Badrang: *is bolstering the gates*

The Battle: *is coming along quite nicely*

**AT THE TUNNEL OF RESCUE, IRONY, AND JUBILATION**

All Four Creatures: *crawling through*

Felldoh: *breaks out first* FREEDOM NEVER TASTED SO SWEET.

Rose: It is rather sugary, isn't it, that's the scone crumbs I spilled. Where's Grumm?

Martin: *climbs out* At the back. Are we seriously being invaded by alie - *sees Rose* ….asdfjkasd adsfjahsdfjkas.

Rose: Hello, definite love interest! Was that a good keymash or a bad keymash?

Martin: …Pleasehavemybaby.

Rose: What?

Martin: I said, pleased to meet you lady.

Rose: Oh. The pleasure's all mine, love interest.

Brome: Excuse me but HELL'S BELLS WE'RE BEING INVADED BY ALIENS.

Grumm: No, loser, corsairs are attacking Marshank. We need to leave right miaow.

Felldoh: I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT MY FATHER, YOU DICKS.

Martin: Yes you are. We're going to run away, gather an army, stomp back here, free the slaves, then get my sword back and FUCK MARSHANK'S SHIT **UP**.

Felldoh: Oh, I guess that's alright then.

All: YAY! FRIENDS FOREVER!

**BACK AT THE GATES**

Cap'n Clogg: Okay, what is this. These gates aren't giving way! I've got a fort to invade, you know?

Random Corsair: Um, Cap'n?

Cap'n Clogg: WHAT. *sees ship burning* …. AAAAAAAAAH MY RAGE IT IS DARK AND DEEP AND ALLCONSUMING! AAARGH!

**ON THE SHORE, CLOGG'S SHIP**

Skalrag: *PILLAGEBURNPLUNDERAAARGH* Aaaah, that was relaxing. Now follow me, troops, let's cut holes into yonder Log Boats Of Treachery And Villainy!

**BY THE SHORE**

Felldoh: So, TO THE LOGBOATS!

Readers: _...crap. _

Martin: Yeah, to the-! ….Is that a PLANE ENGINE?

Felldoh: Doesn't matter. RUN TOWARD FREEDOOOO—oh wait, there's vermin coming up behind us!

Grumm: And vermin by the Log Boats Of Treachery And Villainy ahead of us!

Martin: Then you know what time it is?

Felldoh: Time to OWN some DIRTY VERMIN ASS despite being COMPLETELY UNARMED cause we **ROCK THAT HARD**?

Martin: …Also, time to get a watch, but yeah. CHAAAAAAAAARGE!

Skalrag: Oh… oh crap. Archers-!

Felldoh: *triple limb maim*

Martin: *double flying head kick*

Skalrag: Nevermind.

Clogg's Crew, Slightly Farther Away: What the eff? There's beasts by our boats! AT THEM!

Skalrag: HELP HELP HELP!

Grumm: *wound*

Rose: *wallop*

Brome: *push out smallest boat*

Felldoh: *stranglehold*

Martin: *hold back one vermin and hold another underwater*

In Other Words, Everybeast: *kicks ass*

Clogg's Crew: *arrives* WHAT'S GOING ON?

Martin: Here, these numbnuts were trying to gank our boats! *shoves Skalrag at them*

Clogg's Crew: OH I THINK NOT. *lays the smackdown on Skalrag*

Martin and Friends: SUCKERS. *swim out to boat*

Clogg's Crew: Wait a minnit… those ain't searats! AT THEM!

Felldoh: *can't get on the boat* Oh crap oh crap oh crap. *Gets his footpaws grabbed by a vermin, his frontpaws grabbed by Martin* GLLLLGLGLGLLGLGLG!

Martin: You better let go, I won the Tug of War OLYMPICS, ho.

Vermin: BRING IT.

Rose: *clubs him*

Felldoh: GLGLGLLGLG-Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Other Vermin: *get in other boats to chase them*

Martin and Friends: Hi ho, away!

Grumm: Actually, not so.

Rose: Why are you just sitting there?

Grumm: Cause there's a hole and I'm plugging it up with my butt otherwise WE WILL DIE.

Brome: Hahahahahahahaha!

Felldoh: Seriously, what is it WITH you, kid? I don't see how that is amusing, AT ALL.

Brome: *points*

Felldoh: …Oh. *gigglesnort*

Other Vermin: *sinking from the holes drilled in* *sad faces*

Martin and Friends: FREEDOM!

**TO BE CONTINUED, OBVIOUSLY.**

ETA: rewrite 10/04/10.

I own nothing but my snark. Have fun playing Spot the Reference!


	2. I'd Rather A Pony

**Martin the Warrior, (really really) abridged.  
**CHAPTERS 8-15

**ON THE SHORE, WHERE SKALRAG AND HIS GANG HAVE BEEN CAPTURED**

Cap'n Clogg: 'Ello, poppy.

Random Corsair: …poppy…

Skalrag: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!

Cap'n Clogg: …We already did.

Skalrag: Oh darn.

Cap'n Clogg: SO TELL ME. If somebeast had burnt YOUR vessels and made ye look like a fool, what would ye do?

Skalrag: *pitiful* …Shake their paw and let them go?

Cap'n Clogg: WOULD YE REALLY NOW.

Skalrag: ……………………yes?

Cap'n Clogg: Uh-huh. Interesting. Goes to show ye, Marshank's creatures are still dainty liddle ladies braidin' their hair. I'LL SHOW YOU HOW **REAL **VERMIN EXTRACT VENGANCE.

Skalrag: *sob*

Cap'n Clogg: See? GIRL. But don't worry, I'll let ye live if yer swear loyalty to me and do as I say…

Skalrag: DEAL.

**IN THE SLAVE COMPOUND**

Emo Slaves: Wow I hate my life.

Keyla: Fear not, brave souls. Martin and Felldoh have escaped!

Hillgorse: …And that other mouse?

Keyla: Oh, yeah, that weirdo obsessed with soap operas too.

Barkjon: Oh good, Martin's gonna save us all. I can sense he's going to be featured in at least two more books. In the meantime, how's our weapon harvest comin' along?

Mouse Mother: Well I found this rocket launcher.

Random Squirrel: I got an uzi.

Random Dibbun: I found a trampoline!

Random Slave: And here's a book I found – "HOW TO SPOT A TRAITOR For Dummies."

Hillgorse: Bah, we won't need that.

Druwp: *shifts uncomfortably*

Barkjon: Aight, now let's bury our weapons, riiiiiiiiight… here. Where the massive red X is, and where the glaring neon arrow sign points to. Good! Nighty night everybeast! I'm sure tomorrow will be as untraitorful as today and nobeast will give away the location of our weapons!

Druwp: …

Keyla: …

**OUT SOMEWHERE AT SEA**

Grumm: I'm a mole, and it's already been established that I hate water, and I'm plugging up a leak with my bottom, and I'm going to drown because our boat is overfilling. I DO NOT SEE HOW THIS COULD GET ANY WORSE.

Mysterious Underwater Shape: *bump*

Grumm: …

Everybeast Else: Thanks for the jinx, jerk.

Brome: Well I hope it wasn't a big fish!

Mysterious Underwater Shape: *bumpity bump*

Brome: Oh hell. It's a big fish, isn't it.

Big Fish: *tears up boat*

Martin: Okay, everybeast hold on, and if by some strange but unlikely and completely ironic twist of fate, we get separated, let's meet up at Noonvale!

Felldoh: Okay! But that's clearly not going to happen!

Rose: Clearly not!

Boat: *sinks into ocean*

Brome & Felldoh: *swept away*

Martin, Grumm, & Rose: *swept somewhere else*

Veteran Readers: *sigh*

**MARSHANK COURTYARD THING PLACE**

Hisk: Halt! Who goes there!

Druwp: Ah, shaddap, I'm Skalrag's spy. If you kill me, you lose valuable information that would have taken you another whole day to learn for yourself! Also, you'll answer to Skalrag.

Hisk: Bah, don't you know, Skalrag's been missing. And what information? This better be good, or else I slice yer gizzard.

Druwp: The prisoners in the pit of de- the prison pit have escaped.

Hisk: Huh, yore right, we'd have figured that out by ourselves eventually. Anyway I'll go check, and if yore really a Dumbass Traitorous Vole, I'll kill yer.

Druwp: *shivers in his timbers*

**MARSHANK'S WALLTOP **

Hisk: My lord, the prisoners have escaped!

Badrang: What! How do you know this!

Hisk: Um… because… they're gone?

Badrang: Like, _gone_ gone, or just _dead_ gone?

Hisk: _Gone_ gone, sir.

Badrang: Right, but gone_ gone _dead gone, or gone _dead _gone gone?

Hisk: Er…

Badrang: --Or dead gone gone gone, or hiding gone gone gone?!

Hisk: Like, ESCAPED ALIVE gone, sir.

Badrang: Oh. Did a Dumbass Traitorous Vole happen to tell you this, by chance?

Hisk: Actually, yeah.

Badrang: Well bring him up tomorrow, in secret!

Hisk: Roger!

Badrang: What? My name's not Roger, fool.

Hisk: I mean, uh. Aye aye, sir!

Cap'n Clogg: *from below, outside* AHOY UP THERE, STOATFACE.

Badrang: Oh crackers. WHAT.

Cap'n Clogg: How's life?

Badrang: T'was better before you crashed into it. Whaddaya want.

Cap'n Clogg: A cup of sugar, neighbor!

Badrang: No.

Cap'n Clogg: A jug of milk?

Badrang: No.

Cap'n Clogg: A Smurf then.

Badrang: NO.

Cap'n Clogg: A pony?

Badrang: NO. SPARKLEHOOVES IS **MINE**.

Cap'n Clogg: A truce and parley?

Badrang: Now THAT'S more reasonable! While you're at it, gimme back my Skalrag.

Cap'n Clogg: No prob! Just open these gates right hur!

Badrang: Ha, you must think me a fool! I'll lower down a basket like Rapunzel and hoist him back up.

Cap'n Clogg: Bah, okay. I'll give you back yer fox. Little do you know that's all part of my plan!

Badrang: What?

Cap'n Clogg: I said, to regain yore friendship I'll do all I can!

Badrang: Whatevs. MINIONS! BRING ME MY SKALRAG, AND ESCORT HIM TO THE TORTU—UM I MEAN DINING HALL!

**FURTHER DOWN THE COAST WHERE OUR FRIENDS COME ASHORE**

Felldoh: AAAAAH LAND SWEET LAND. As proven thus far, squirrel's tail + water = HORRIBLY BAD.

Brome: Ugh! I've had enough water to last me a lifetime! I'll never touch a drop again!

Felldoh: I'd like to see how that works out. Anyway, I know where we are!

Brome: Sweet! I'll go with you wherever you go, mate! Near or far, far and wide, as long as it's not close to Marshank! By the way, where are we?

Felldoh: Close to Marshank.

Brome: EGADS.

Felldoh: But eventually we'll head to Noonvale. Eventually. Maybe. Possibly.

Veteran Readers: *scowl*

Brome: Awesome, I'll be able to catch up on all my soaps! You know, on the last All My Children Vicky was run over by a car after being released from jail for abducting her sister's child which her sister had with Vicky's husband and -

Felldoh: QUIET. I hear voices!

Brome: Um. Thanks for letting me know. You're not going to, like, stab me in the middle of the night if they tell you to kill me, are you?

Felldoh: I _am_ resisting the urge at the moment, but no. I actually hear somebeasts close by! *Approaches with Brome to discover silhouettes of creatures inside a tent-thing*

Readers: Wait, wait, time out. So… they've built a fire… between a WOODEN cart and CANVAS?

Veteran Readers: Yes?

Readers: By all rights, Felldoh should have drowned and these beasts should have been set on fire by now.

Veteran Readers: Sssssh. This is a FANTASY BOOK.

Readers: Well ya, I kinda figured with the giant critters waltzing around on two legs and all, but that doesn't mean you can alter every basic—

Veteran Readers: *enforces silence* Now back to our regular programming.

Anyway. Beasts Within Burning Distance: *Sing a cool song about the Rambling Rosehip Players*

Somebeast: No, no, that was all wrong! Ballaw, you bloody hare, gimme that pastry – *a pastry flies out and lands on Felldoh's head*

Felldoh: Christmas come early!

Some Hare: HEY! *jumps out of tent thing in chase of pastry* What the… there's some chap wearin' me pastry as a hat! CHARGE!

Brome: IT'S **OUR** HAT-PASTRY NOW! RETALIATE!!

Felldoh: *hangs on Some Hare's whiskers, somehow*

Brome: *sits on Some Hare's head, somehow*

Some Hare: *tries to kick at Felldoh, somehow*

More Pandemonium As Beasts Come Rushing Out: *ensues*

Huge Badger: *grabs Felldoh and Brome* WHAT ARE YOU WRETCHES DOING SPYING IN OUR CAMP?

Brome: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!

Some Beast: Hey, hey, we already did that joke.

Brome: Oh.

Some Hare: If you wanted your own hat-pastry, you coulda just bally asked, wot.

Readers: That's the worst hare-speech I've ever heard.

Author: **Shut up**.

Brome: We weren't spying! We just came to investigate the noise we heard when some water-logged bint lobbed a scimitar at me-- I mean, somebeast threw a hat-pastry at Felldoh. Anyway, I'm Brome of Noonvale, son of Urran Voh and Aryah Voh! Favourite colour's blue, favourite food is candied chestnuts, and my bed sheets have Smurfs on them! My hobby is watching bad daytime television! Hello! Hey! HEY! LINK! HELLO! WATCH OUT! HEY!

Badger: …Is he always like this?

Felldoh: Only after traumatic near-death experiences. Which is all the time lately, so yeah.

Brome: Well, I've introduced myself, so who are you all?

Badger: We're the Rambling Rosehip Players. We just sang a SONG about it, fer cryin' out loud. How much denser can you _get_?

Felldoh: …

Brome: …

Badger: Ah, point. Well I'm Rowanoak, this is Ballaw the Hare, and this is… bla bla bla. *introduces everybeast*

Brome: Nice to meet you all! I can tell we're in for a big adventure together!

Felldoh: *sigh*

**INSIDE THE LEAN-TO TENT THINGER**

Rowanoak: So here's some clothes to wear that are NOT torn and ripped everywhere, you dirty paupers. Though I'll have to adjust yours, Felldoh. You're too manly for yours.

Celandine: Oh I'll say he is… *starts petting Felldoh*

Readers: Sex appeal in_ Redwall?!?_

Veteran Readers: Sssssshhhhsshhsshh. Just sssshhhh.

Felldoh: …This maid isn't, like, a dame of the night, is she?

Kastern: Naw. She's like that with everybeast.

Celandine: Well _hello there_, you big strong wagon you! *pets it*

Brome: This moment is so awesome and special and friendful that I'm going to sing a song about it. *does so*

Felldoh: Wow, you're actually a _decent_ _singer._ That's… normal. Surprise of surprises.

Brome: Yeah, I learned by singing the theme songs of my soaps.

Felldoh: *sigh*

Kastern: So _what_ was the point of this scene?

Rowanoak: To establish Brome is a good singer, or something. Because it's important in future developments, maybe. And you can never break enough fourth walls.

**OVER BY SOME CLIFFS SOMEWHERE**

Martin: ………………*swimming*

Grumm: ………………*swimming*

Rose: …………………*swimming*

Martin: …...**LAND HO**!!! *finally wades ashore, completely numb and exhausted*

Grumm: Wow, that sucked.

Rose: Yeah, it couldn't get much worse.

Veteran Readers: GAH.

Martin: I'm going to try to scale those cliffs right there, even though we're all totally exhausted and have no weapon to defend ourselves with in case of attack, AND the rocks are slippery AND Grumm sucks at climbing.

Rose: You're always so sensible, love interest! I'll go with!

Grumm: Aye, me too! *so up they go*

Martin: I'm getting a creepy feeling about this place.

Rose: Ah, ignore it, let's keep climbing. It's probably nothing.

All Of A Sudden: *a net comes hurling down and captures them*

Rose: Damn it!

**ON TOP OF THE CLIFFS, IN FRONT OF A CAVE**

Martin: *wakes up in a cage* … … … oh HELL NO.

Weird Mouselike Things: Heeheehee! Biggamouse wake up biggamouse angryangry heehee! *jab Martin with sticks*

Martin: *grabs stick and snaps it in half* You wanna mess with this? YOU WANNA MESS WITH THIS?!

Weird Mouselike Things: Bah.

Martin: I EAT YOU ALL WITH KETCHUP AND SOME FRENCH FRIES. POSSIBLY SOME SALT.

Weird Mouselike Things: _Eeeeeeeeeek__!_

Martin: What's going on here, and who unleashed these midgets?!

Grumm & Rose, Also In Cages: *wake up*

Rose: What the… ? INPRISONMENT! Unlawful jailing! I DEMAND A LAWYER!

Hedgehog Prisoner: Hello, I'm Pallum. Calm down now, it's not so bad! Just smile and never get angry, it confuses them.

Grumm: I can't believe you live happily like this among these imps! What's wrong with you!

Pallum: Actually, I've been a slave since I could remember and every night I plot to set all of these babies on fire.

Martin: Word.

Irritating Mouse Imp: Shuttamouth shuttamouth! Dinjer say notalktalk! *tries to jab Martin*

Martin And Dinjer's Wonderful Loving Flowery Relationship: *begins to grow*

Pallum: Ho snap, it's Queen Amballa. Stand smart! And don't laugh!

Grumm: Why would we – oh.

Amballa: *looks ridiculous* STATE THY NAME, BIGGAMOUSE.

Readers: WHAT? Olde English? That's -- what -- _huh?! _

Author: *shrug*

Martin: I'm Martin the Not-Yet-Warrior, that's Rose. (…Oh, and there's Grumm.) Who're you, midget mouse?

Amballa: WATCHETH THE MANNER IN WHICHST THOU SPEAKST TO ME, INGRATE. FOR I AM AMBALLA, QUEEN OF ALL HIGHBEAST.

Rose: You mean lowbeast. Really, really lowbeast.

Amballa: WRETCHED WENCH! TO THE SQUIDJEE NURSERY WITH THEE!

**LATER ON**

Everybeast: *has been bound to logs like Pallum*

Martin: Huh. From imprisonment to imprisonment. AWESOME.

Rose: Oh, come now, it's not that bad!

Dinjer And His Minions: Upnow upnow, angryangry biggamouses! Pullaride!

Rose: Nevermind, I want to punt all of these hellish midgets.

**EVEN _LATER_ ON **

Grumm: So Pallum, how did you plan on setting the pygmy shrew babies on fire, exactly? Because I'm really, really interested.

**BACK AT THE HAPPY MARSHANK CAMP OF LOVE**

Badrang: ……Aaaaaand sign here. Done! We've just signed a completely meaningless and complex deal that neither of us will adhere to!

Cap'n Clogg: Aye! I kin tell we'll git along jes fine from now on, matey!

Badrang: Just fine, oh yes. Like Skalrag over there.

Skalrag: *is a dead arrowy pincushion*

Cap'n Clogg: ………Aye! Best Friends Forever! I even made ye a matchin' heart necklace!

Badrang: Aaaw, how cute, it glitters! I'll treasure it forever!

Cap'n Clogg: Yay! *mutters* IDIOT.

Badrang: Whee! *mutters* DUMBASS.

**BY SOME OTHER CLIFFS, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE PYGMY SHREW CLIFFS, CUZ THERE'S A LOT OF CLIFF-ACTION GOING ON IN THIS BOOK**

Rowanoak: So basically, to move the plot forward, we have to stick around and help Felldoh's father escape along with the rest of the slaves. Despite the fact that Felldoh and Brome swore to meet this Martin fellow in Noonvale. Not like this is a book about fulfilling promises and honouring your word or anything.

Ballaw: Sounds pish-posh t'me, wot.

Celandine: Ooooooh, well aren't _we_ a handsome slab of rock!

Felldoh: Um, actually, I think we should head to Noonvale anyway. No offence, but against Marshank, you're all toast.

Kastern: That's because you don't know we're actually a super secret assassination squad.

Brome: What?

Kastern: *whistles*

Rowanoak: But no, really, we're ninjas. We can handle this shit.

Ballaw: We'll mount a play a la Hamlet, but not really! Brome, you'll be the beautiful frog maiden, I'll be your evil uncle, Kastern will be the evil caterpillar…

Felldoh: Y'all are _crazy. _

**THE NEXT DAY, BY THE OTHER CLIFFS, YOU KNOW, THE _OTHER_ ONES**

Martin: Can I kill myself now?

Rose: No.

Martin: Now?

Rose: No.

Pallum: Hey guys, we're going to the rock pools at the shore today to play lifeguard for the Squidjees!

Martin: …Please?

Rose: …

Pallum: And we have to carry them piggy-back style down the hidden stairs!

Martin: **PLEASE?**

Rose: …

**AND SO, ON SHORE**

Squidjee Babes: *off playing around*

Grumm: So, Pallum, how exactly did you carry the babies piggy-back when you're covered in spikes?

Pallum: *shrug*

Rose: Guys! Where the deuce is Dinjer?

Trouble: *is afoot*

Martin: The stupid varmint is climbing up the cliffs! IF YOU'RE RUNNING AWAY, AT LEAST TAKE THE STAIRS, CRETIN!

Amballa: WHAT SAYEST THOU? DEATH TO MISCREANTS!

Martin: Oh yeah? Well -

Dinjer: *SCREAM OF DISTRESS*

Gannet: *flies off with Dinjer*

Amballa: AAAAAAH MY SON! MY SON WILL DIE LIKE HIS FATHER! NOBEAST CAN SAVE HIM NOW!

Everybeast: ...

Amballa: I _SAID_, NOBEAST CAN SAVE HIM NOW!

Grumm: ...

Martin: *cough*

Rose: *kicks Martin*

Martin: Ugh. *reads the script* …Do I _really_ have to do this?

Everybeast: **YES.**

Martin: *sigh*

**ON THE CLIFFS**

Martin: *is being totally cool and awesome and stuff, and climbs up the cliffs in Dinjer's rescue* ...Not that he deserves it, the imp…

Dinjer: SAVEAME SAVEAME! EEEEEEEEEEK!

Martin: Impish AND demanding! *keeps climbing*

**DOWN BELOW**

Everybeast: …Whoa.

Rose: OUT OF MY WAY, FOOLS. I AM MAKING A NET.

Random Pygmy Shrew: Youa notalk tomea likethata!

Readers: Oh, _thanks_, because a Mario pun is _just_ what we need here *eyeroll*

Amballa: QUIET, PEASANT. THE WENCH PLOTS TO AID MY SON. HAS THOU A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

Ramdom Pygmy Shrew: *quiet* Noa.

**UP WAY WAY WAY ABOVE**

Martin: *finally reaches the top, exhausted*

Dinjer: BIGGAMOUSE MARTINMOUSE SAVEAME!

Martin: I'm _working_ on it! Shut up!

Martin And Dinjer's Wonderful Loving Flowery Relationship: *is continuously blooming*

Gannet: Excuse me, sir, what would you be doing in my humble abode?

Martin: Er, well, you see, you kinda kidnapped this lady's son, and, well...

Gannet: But if I do not feed my chicks, they will die! We have been driven to starvation since the death of my husband, even more so than when I lost my job at the factory! Please don't take away our first supper in three days!

Martin: …Wow. Well, me saving Dinjer hardly seems fair now, does it.

Gannet: PLEASE!

Martin: I…

Gannet: *sob*

Martin: Er… I…

Rose, From Below: MARTIN, IF YOU SAVE DINJER, **I WILL GIVE YOU A KISS!**

Martin: …YOU, VILE BIRD! UNWING THAT BABE! IT COMES WITH ME!

Gannet: Damn.

**DOWN BELOW**

Rose: Ok, the nets are ready. EVERYBEAST ASSUME THE POSITION!

Everybeast: …What?

Rose: Just... hold the nets.

**UP ABOVE**

Martin: Alright, the nets below are ready. Dinjer, jump now!

Dinjer: YouCRAZY biggamouse? Hellsno! Thismadness!

Martin: Madness? Oh good, I've been dying to use this line. THIS – IS – SPAAAAAARTA! *boot*

**DOWN BELOW**

Dinjer: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-*whomph*

Amballa: HURRAH! MINE CHILD IS SAFE!

Everybeast Else: Damn.

**UP ABOVE**

Gannet: Well, you realize I'm only doing this out of my loving selfless heart, right?

Martin: What?

Garnet: *bites him*

Martin: HOLY CRAP OUCH! *swings net, catches Gannet and brings its bitch ass DOWN*

Gannet: WHY CRUEL FATES WHY!?!?

Martin: Cuz this book is named after ME, duh. *jumps* HI HO MARTIN AWAAAAAAAY!

**DOWN BELOW**

Everybeast: YAY!

Rose: Oh no, love interest! You're hurt!

Martin: Nevermind my missing chunk of stomach, I wanna know about that ki-

Amballa: I AM IN THY DEBT, O MARTINMOUSE WARRIORMOUSE. NAME THY REWARD AND I SHALL GRANT IT TO THEE.

Martin: Well I've always wanted a pony.

Rose: *kicks*

Martin: Ouch! I mean, our freedom!

Amballa: ………………IT IS GIVEN.

Pallum: This… this is the most profound moment of my life. *weeps*

Dinjer: HOLDON MOMENTTHERE KICKAMOUSE *hits Martin*

Amballa: QUIET, RASCAL. *boots* MARTINMOUSE WAS CORRECT ABOUT THEE, THOU ART A CRETIN.

Martin And Dinjer's Wonderful Loving Flowery Relationship: *aaaaaaah*

Martin & Friends: Yay! Now hopefully we can continue our quest without getting captured again!

Veteran Readers: *beat heads against wall*

**BACK AT MARSHANK**

Badrang: …

Druwp the Dumbass Traitorous Vole: *gnarfmunchsnapmrahchew*

Badrang: …

Druwp the Dumbass Traitorous Vole: *riiiipcrunchgnarfburp*

Badrang: So I take it you're hungry. If you want to eat like this EVERYDAY for the rest of your LIFE, you better give me better information.

Druwp: Ain't got nothin'.

Badrang: *slowly takes out pokeystabbeyrippeything*

Druwp: --Except for the place where they stashed all their weapons!

Badrang: That's the spirit!

**IN THE SLAVE COMPOUND**

Some Mouse Named Yarrow: Barkjon! Something wicked this way comes!

Barkjon: …Oh snap.

Badrang: Everybeast stand by their strawmatthings! And do the Macarena!

Hillgorse: Quit yer games, tyrant. Whaddaya want?

Badrang: Who're you?

Hillgorse: They call me Hillgorse.

Badrang: Is there a squirrel named Barkjon?

Barkjon: Aye, me.

Badrang: And Keyla?

Keyla: Present.

Badrang: And Tullgrew?

Everybeast: …

Badrang: IS THERE A TULLGREW HERE?

Keyla: Tullgrew, er, went out to buy some milk.

Badrang: O rly? I DO NOT RECALL MAKING YOU BUILD A GROCERY STORE.

Keyla: *hangs head*

Tullgrew: …I'm right here, sir.

Badrang: Good! Tell me, slave wench, WHERE HAVE YOU HIDDEN THE WEAPONS?

Slaves: *shift uncomfortably*

Badrang: Tell me now or somebeast **dies.**

Tullgrew: *points to the BIG FLASHING NEON SIGN POINTING TO A MASSIVE RED X*

BIG FLASHING NEON SIGN POINTING TO A MASSIVE RED X: *is very flashy*

Badrang: Oh. How could I have missed that?

Slaves: *cough*

Badrang: Now, slave wench, DIG!

Tullgrew: *digs… And digs… And digs?*

Badrang: RRRAH! There's clearly nothing there! Impudent slaves, you'll get double workloads tomorrow! *stomps out*

Slaves: So… where ARE the weapons?

Keyla: *innocent whistle*

Hillgorse: _Keyla..._

Keyla: I moved them after Tullgrew fell asleep 'cause I saw Druwp was watching. I buried them right in the middle of the compound, where Badrang was standing!

Slaves: LOL.

**INSIDE MARSHANK**

Druwp: *gnarfmunchsnapmrahchew*

Badrang: *stomps in with a BANG*

Druwp: *riiiipcrunch-----ack!*

Badrang: I don't take too kindly to being made fun of, Dumbass Traitorous Vole! MINIONS! LOCK THE DOORS AND BRING ME A WHIPPING ROD!

Druwp: Oh… oh _shit._

**IN THE SLAVE COMPOUND**

Hillgorse: …Barkjon?

Barkjon: Yes?

Hillgorse: How did we hide a trampoline?

Barkjon: …I'm not sure.

**A CAMPFIRE OUTSIDE MARSHANK**

Cap'n Clogg: So there's like a one in a million chance that we can save my ship, but we'll try it!

Random Hare Suddenly Beside Him: Not bally much of a ship though, kinda looks like somebeast used it as a jolly old barbeque, wot wot.

Cap'n Clogg: Shaddap! Wait… who're you?

Random Hare Suddenly Beside Him: Tibbar the Magic Rabbit, at'cha service, wot!

Cap'n Clogg: But… yer a hare.

Tibbar: …

Cap'n Clogg: …

Tibbar: It's **MAGIC!**

Cap'n Clogg: HARHARHARHAR! I LIKE THIS'N!

Tibbar: It gets better, old chap. I can barf out multi-coloured scarves with your own moniker on it!

Cap'n Clogg: NUH-UH!

Tibbar: Yuh-huh! *does so*

Cap'n Clogg: HOLY SMOKES. Tibbar me matey, you gotta do more magic fer us!

Tibbar: Can't, me bally old buckadoodle, it's exhaustin' to be so amazin'. Ah, but wait! There IS a marvelously magic show later tomorrow, in yonder fortress! Would you like to see it, me bucko?

Cap'n Clogg: Golly gee, would I!

Tibbar: Alright, only just as long as no harm comes to me or me troup, wot! Wouldn't do to have the magic spoiled by one of the magickin' creatures getting offed, doncha know.

Cap'n Clogg: On me oath no harm will come to any of ye!

Tibbar: Abso-bally-lutely awesome! Adieu, sweet cheeks! *throws something into the fire that blinds everybeast, disappears*

Cap'n Clogg & Crew: _Whoa._

Random Corsair: You sure magic rabbits are trustworthy, cap'n?

Cap'n Clogg: Aye, I'm sure our new friend isn't up to anything devious or anythin'. I mean, he's a woodland creature. They're all about nobility and honesty and crap. Tibbar wouldn't trick us!

Corsair: True dat.

**AT THE RAMBLING ROSEHIP PLAYER'S CAMP**

Ballaw: It worked beautifully beauticiously, wot! We've tricked them!

Brome: Think they're on to us?

Rowanoak: Naw, they're corsairs: all superstitious and dumb as rocks. They probably have no clue.

Brome: True dat.

**AND SO, FURTHER AWAY FROM THE PYGMY SHREW CAVES WHERE OUR FRIENDS ARE A-TRAVELIN'**

Martin: On the up side, we left those jabbering midget mice. On the down side, we're hungry as hell.

Rose: Man, what I wouldn't do for a oatmeal scone right now!

Oatmeal Scone: *hits her on the head*

Rose: …?

Grumm: You gonna eat that?

Pallum: Can I have one too plz?

Oatmeal Scone: *hits him in the eye*

Pallum: Ow!

Rose: Mm, it's good! Martin, ask for one!

Martin: Well, I'd really rather a pony.

Voice From The Trees: Bloody hell, I'm not throwing a baby horse at you.

Grumm: …! I think I recognise this conveniently not-written dialect! It's a mole like me!

Voice From The Trees: *appears in the shape of a molewife* S'up kids, I'm Polleekin, and I throw food at passersby. Hungry?

Martin & Friends: YES!

Polleekin: *starts chucking stuff*

Grumm: OW! MY SPLEEN!

Martin: Ok, ok, not like that.

**LATER, AT POLLEEKIN'S HOUSE**

Pallum: …

Rose: …

Martin: You… live… up there?

Polleekin: Duh.

Rose: You're a mole.

Polleekin: Uh-huh.

Grumm: But… your house is a tree.

Polleekin: It's Friday.

Grumm: …

Polleekin: Oh, is this not a stating-the-obvious contest?

**EVEN LATER, EATIN' SOME FOOD**

Polleekin: So the two beasts you mentioned haven't passed this way.

Rose: Drat! I do hope they're alright!

Polleekin: Yeah, they're fine. Actually, they're practicing a play right now.

Martin: The nerve! I'm getting nibbled on by birds – again – and they're running around on stage? I'm like Prometheus over here!

Pallum: How do you know?

Polleekin: I am… SPECIAL.

Martin: Yeah, I can see that. You threw _food _in our _eyes_.

Polleekin: No, I mean, I see the future and stuff. Like you, Martin. You're on a quest to retrieve your father's sword and punish the one who took it from you. See? I'm psychic.

Rose: …

Grumm: …

Pallum: …

Martin: …But… we _told_ you that.

Polleekin: *shifty eyes*

**MUCH LATER, THAT NIGHT**

Martin & Friends: *snore*

Polleekin: Oh, dearie me, looks like I'm overdue on some foreshadowing. *clears throat* Oh, poor travelers, you have many more hardships and trials before your quest is over!

Veteran Readers: *sob*

**NEXT MORNING**

Polleekin: I'm telling you, Martin, it's BAAAAD FORTUNE if you go back to Marshank.

Martin: Dude, it's in the_ script_. I can't_ not_ go.

Polleekin: Well, I tried. In that case, you might as well head straight to Noonvale.

Rose: That's the plan, but I don't know where it is from here. I lost my TomTom when that stupid fish ate our boat --

Pallum: That would've been really, really helpful.

Martin: Yeah, and would have probably saved us from using a complicated riddle as a map.

Polleekin: --Well lucky for you, I have a complicated riddle you can use as a map!

Martin: *sigh*

**LATER...**

Rose: We've got to be on our way. Here's Polleekin's riddle:

The Complex Riddle Used As A Map: *is pretty riddle-y*

Martin: _This_ is going to be fun to solve.

Grumm: Oh, come on, this is a Redwall book. Did you seriously think there wasn't going to be a riddle around here somewhere?

Martin: *sigh* I have a feeling I'm going to have to read these things for the rest of my life.

Useless Foreshadowing: *is useless*

**TO BE CONTINUED, OBVIOUSLY.**

PS – I own nothing, have you seen my fee bill? I practically live in a box.


	3. Stuff Happens

**Martin the Warrior, (really really) abridged.**

CHAPTERS 16-20.

**BADRANG'S HAPPY CAMP OF HAPPINESS AND GLITTERY MAGIC**

Cap'n Clogg: What I'm sayin' here is, mess with these magick critters an' you git ter find out wot's in the Twilight Zone, catch me drift?

Badrang: Alright, _alright!_

Magick Critters All Disguised With Masks And Costumes: *ride into Marshank and set up equipment, all looking ridiculously comical*

Badrang: Hahaha, don't they all look harmless and stupid!

Felldoh: I'm going to kill all these mothuhfuckuhs.

Badrang: What?

Felldoh: I said it's going to be quite a ruckus!

Badrang: Oh.

Ballaw: So, chaps, are you all ready to be mind-boggled, bee-dazzled, eye-amazed, psy-wrapped, escorted to another plane of divinity, flown through the essence of nature, carried along the spiral of time?

Readers: DRUGS?!

Cap'n Clogg: I… thought this was a magic show theater thing.

Ballaw: It is! What on earth are YOU talking about?

Cap'n Clogg: …

Readers: …

Badrang: Uh, yep, we're ready for the magic show.

Ballaw: Cool. Bring me… THE DREADFULLY DEADLY DAGGER OF DELIRIOUSLY DOOMY DEATH!

Soundtrack: *Ominous Latin Chanting*

Celandine: Oh, no, look how sharp that pokeystabbyrippything is! I am surely going to die if stabbed with it! Ooooooooh!

Ballaw: Is anybeast here cruel, cold, callus, and completely heartless enough to kill her?

Cap'n Clogg: …

Corsairs: …

Guards: …

Badrang: KILL HER! KILL HER DEAD!

Ballaw: Well, captain's orders! *stabs Celandine with the secret collapsible dagger*

All Vermin: DUDE. I thought WE were the heartless ones.

Celadine: Ah! The pain! It burns like a great… burning… thing!

Rowanoak: Come on, just die already, don't have all day.

Celandine: *dies*

Cap'n Clogg: Wow, thanks. I just lost me appetite. JERK.

Ballaw: Oh, well, in that case, I can bring her back to life, wot wot!

Readers: Yeah, cause THAT never has any consequences or anything.

Ballaw: No, really! I'll just need a still-beating horse's heart, a decapitated chicken, a live goat…

Vermin: …

Ballaw: _OR_ I could just speak a magic spell. Jeez, not bally much for realism, are they? *mutters a magic spell*

Celadine: *comes back to life* Oh! Hey guys, what's up?

Vermin: OMG MAGIC!

Rowanoak: Yeah! And guess what? **IT GETS BETTER**.

Vermin: OMFG YAY.

Ballaw: Look at this silly fox! Isn't he silly? Want me to make him disappear?

Felldoh As The Fox: Eek, oh sir please no!

Vermin: Yeah, vanish the pathetic creature!

Felldoh: ARGH! *Everybeast jumps on him and tries to get him into a box, but thanks to Ballaw's distracting fire powder, sneaks out of sight*

Vermin: Har har har! He's definitely locked up in that box!

Ballaw: Absoballylutely! Here, stab it once or twice, go on.

The Box: *is then pretty much decimated, with nobeast inside*

Ballaw: *aside* Phew, plan's going marvelously! *to the vermin* See? Vanished!

Druwp: Yeah, like the slaves! WHICH ARE ESCAPING!

Ballaw: …

**SOMEWHERE SIGNIFICANTLY LESS MAGICAL**

Martin: Not gonna lie, so far this quest is pretty sucky.

Grumm: Oh, I'm sure it'll liven up soon.

Pallum: Hey! A dead tree stump, which is referenced in the complex riddle used as a map!

Rose: AWESOME.

**LATER THAT NIGHT**

Rose: So I'm really worried about Brome and Felldoh, even though I'm sure they haven't once wondered about us.

Martin: It's cool. Felldoh and I went to Badass School and have degrees in Kicking Ass, so Brome is safe with him.

Rose: What's it like, Kicking Ass?

Martin: It feels like being awesome.

**THE NEXT MORNING**

Grumm: No soup? NO SOUP? WHAT KIND OF BLASPHEMY IS THIS?

Rose: It's not smart to light a fire in unknown territory!

Grumm: FINE THEN! I'LL GO OFF BY MYSELF AND GET SOME WATER THEN!

Martin: And walking off alone into unknown territory makes more sense because…?

Grumm: Plot Induced Stupidity?

Martin: Go on then.

**LATER ON **

Grumm: *is still not back*

Rose: Oh, I hope nothing's happened to Grumm! He's usually never gone this long!

Martin: *sigh* Well, let's all go and look for him.

Pallum: Um, well, actually, I think I left the iron on, ha ha… ha…

Rose: *eyeroll* Okay, MARTIN AND I will go to look for him.

Martin and Rose: *go down to see two diverging paths mentioned in the riddle*

Rose: I wonder which one he went down?

Martin: Ssh! I hear something! It sounds like a … character development device!

Rose: Really? All I hear is humming.

Martin: Same thing.

Martin and Rose: *approach to see…*

Bees: HEY GUYS, HEY CHECK OUT THIS FURRY WEIRD THING HOLDING A LADDLE TO HIS NOSE! LET'S SWARM ON HIM!

Rose: Grumm, we're here! We're going to try to save you!

Grumm: *sob*

Martin: Hey Rose…?

Rose: Hush! We need to retreat to think of a plan!

Martin: But Rose…

Rose: I said quiet, don't attract their attention!

Martin: ROSE!

Rose: _What?_

Martin: *is beginning to be covered in bees*

Rose: …Huh.

Martin: I think OUCH we need to GAH come up with OWWW a plan a bit ARGH faster!

Grumm: *sob*

Rose: Funny, nothing's landed on me.

Martin: Well OW la-dee-da, why don't you OUCH sing a song about it?!

Rose: ...*lightbulb*

**LATER**

Martin: I can't believe you sang a song about it!

Rose: Hey, it got the bees off, didn't it?

Martin: *grumble*

Grumm: So what was the point of that episode?

Pallum: A device to prove Rose's singing is awesome and Martin may or may not be crushing. Jacques is pretty much setting us all up for a massive tugging of the heart strings.

Martin: _What? _

Grumm: HE MEANS UM NOTHING.

Pallum: NOTHING AT ALL.

Rose: You're both so silly!

Readers: *TEAR*

**EVER LATER **

Pallum: Thirteen bottles of elderberry wine on the wall, thirteen bottles of elderberry wiiiiiiine, if one of those bottles should happen to fall, twelve bottles of –

Scary Voice: **HALT WHO GOES THERE!**

Martin: OH MY LORD THANK YOU FOR SHUTTING HIM UP.

Scary Voice: …What?

Pallum: Hey! Quiet, mysterious voice you, you interrupted my delightful singing!

Rose: Oh, just be silent! Nobeast wants to hear you sing!

Scary Voice: Leave! Right away!

Pallum: So what, you're saying Rose is the only one here with vocal talent, is that it?

Grumm: Yes!

Scary Voice: …I am the Mirdop….?

Pallum: You guys are such _assholes!_

Martin: Just suck it up, you big baby!

Scary Voice: …Guys?

Rose: Seriously, what talents do you have anyway? Other than getting enslaved, NONE!

Pallum: *cries*

Scary Voice: …

Martin: Oh, okay, now that was mean. I got captured too.

Pallum: Yeah! Hmph!

Rose: Well, that's different…

Scary Voice: So, I'll be chilling back here if anybeast needs me…

**AFTER TWO HOURS OF ARGUING, THEY'RE STILL NOT DONE**

Pallum: AND YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER!

Rose: AT LEAST MY FATHER DIDN'T SMELL OF ELDERBERRIES!

Mirdop: *yawn* So, you guys just wanna chill at my place or something?

Grumm: Yeah, right on.

Martin: Cool.

**MARSHANK, SLAVE ENCAMPMENT**

Barkjon: --So there's this weird group of performers entertaining the vermin! Are they completely _crazy?_

Felldoh: Crazy with _love. _

Barkjon: What is that supposed t-- Felldoh?

Felldoh: One and only. Come on now, we've got a super-cool rescue mission to undertake!

Keyla: Word.

The Slave's Super-Cool Rescue Mission: *is undertaken*

Barkjon: Well things are going along rather escapingly!

Tullgrew: I'll say!

Druwp: THE SLAVES THEY ARE ESCAPING!

Barkjon: ….

Tullgrew: ...I kinda expected that.

**MARSHANK COURTYARD**

Badrang: GAH! I KNEW they were up to something! CLOGG YE CLOD, HELP ME!

Cap'n Clogg: No thanks.

Badrang: ….GAH!!! *runs off*

Ballaw: Hm. Sounds like time to run like all jolly ol' bally hell, what do you say, chaps?

Rowanoak: Sounds like a good plan!

Cap'n Clogg: Hold up! Ye promised me magic, bucko. Or are ye leggin' out like a traitor?

Corsairs: *surround the Rambling Rosehip Players menacingly*

Ballaw: Traitor? _Never!_ Here, let me show you one last magic trick! I'll make the whole crew disappear!

Cap'n Clogg: For real?

Ballaw: For real, the best trick ever! So watch closely now. All the members are piled inside the cart… bound tightly to that badger lady… and they're each carrying magic wands…

Cap'n Clogg: Yeah, I see!

Ballaw: Now then, see _THIS_! CHAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

Rowanoak: *charges*

Rosehip Rambling Players: *beat nearby corsairs with sticks*

Random Corsair: Hey! It's a trick!

Ballaw: Yeah, I _told _you it was!

This Scene: *is one of the best moments ever*

**THE SLAVE COMPOUND**

Tullgrew: The vermin are on to us!

Barkjon: We're doomed!

Felldoh: Like hell! Here, give me a rope -- *makes a flail, takes out some of the approaching vermin*

Barkjon: …I knew it was worth the tuition to send him to Badass School.

Badrang: Fools! Throw stuff at him! *throws a spear*

Felldoh: Neener neener neener, missed me!

Barkjon: He didn't miss _me_. *took the spear*

Felldoh: OH SHI-

Hillgorse: I spent some time at Badass U in my day, too. *tears out the spear from Barkjon's shoulder, throws himself into the vermin*

Felldoh: Suh_-weet__._

Hillgorse: Give me the rope! Get your father and others over the wall!

Felldoh: But –

Hillgorse: DO AS I SAY! THIS IS MY BADASS DEATH SCENE!

Felldoh: *helps his father over the wall along with Tullgrew* Now we must go back to help him!

Tullgrew: It's too late. He's… _already been wiped from the credits_.

Hillgorse: *dies an awesome badass slow-motion death*

Soundtrack: *tragic slow-motion music*

Felldoh: *slow-motion sob*

Druwp: So I'll be making my escape now…

Felldoh: THOU SHALT NOT PASS! *stabs Druwp from 4573894578935 feet away and jumps off*

Ballaw: Took your bally time, wot.

Felldoh: This is no time for comedy! We must make haste!

Ballaw: Oh, sure. Get every injured beast on the cart… get ready to run… on my word… GO!!

The Cart: *disappears into the night*

Badrang: *HOWL OF RAGE* Well? Jump after them, you idiots!

Random Vermin: But… there's…

Badrang: JUMP!

Random Vermin: *jumps… onto Cap'n Clogg's crew*

Total Chaos: Oh hey guys! Did you miss me?

**SOMEWHERE ELSE**

Rose: You NEVER go FULL RETARD!

Pallum: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, THAT I'M STUPID?

Rose: YEAH!

Pallum: WELL IF I'M STUPID, HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED EVERYBEAST ELSE HAS LEFT!

ROSE: WHAT -- huh? …Guys? …

Crickets: S'up.

Rose: But… where'd they go?

Crickets: Bowling.

Pallum: I love bowling!

Rose: So they LEFT us here?

Crickets: Well, you guys were taking a while. And went totally off-script. Jacques got pretty mad.

Rose: Oh no!

Crickets: Yeah. So to try to catch up you're going to be warped to a different scene.

Pallum: What do you--

**ZAP!**

Pallum: --meannnnnnnnuuuuh what.

Martin: Oh hey guys, nice of you to join us.

Grumm: Yeah, we just went bowling.

Random Rabbits: Which you cheated at.

Grumm: Just get over it!

Random Rabbits: We are the Mirdop! We do not 'get over' INJUSTICE!

Martin: I thought you just, like, made up a monster so you could coward out of fighting.

Random Rabbits: Same thing. More tea?

**AFTER TEA**

Mr. Mirdop: So basically, you just want to stay away from the lizards.

Mrs. Mirdop: Dreadful nasty cannibals!

Rose: What. Like, "A census taker tried to test me" kind of cannibal?

Mrs. Mirdop: No, like, "Feed them candy until you get shoved into your own oven" kind of cannibal.

Rose: Oh. Well we'll be on our way then!

Mr. Mirdop: Take care! Don't die!

Martin: We'll try not to. *sets off*

Mr. Mirdop: They're gonna die.

Mrs. Mirdop: Probably.

**LATER, FURTHER ON BY THE MARSHES**

Rose: Whew, let's rest here for the night.

Slithery Snakes of Foreshadowing: Hiss!

Martin: Hey…!

Pallum: Oh, it's okay, they're only little snakes. No threat to us whatsoever. Well, nighty night!

Soundtrack: DUN DUN DUN!

Readers: …Aren't you ashamed of using the same joke over and over?

Author: I do not know this 'shame' you speak of.

Readers: Clearly.

**SOMEWHERE SECRET AWAY FROM MARSHANK**

Ballaw: See, I told you chaps we were ninjas, wot.

Felldoh: Cool. You know, something's bothering me.

Ballaw: What's that, bucko.

Felldoh: No sexual comment has been made for quite a while.

Ballaw: Golly gee superman, you're right. Where's Celandine?

Everybeast: …

Felldoh: Oh, _awesome_.

Barkjon: Easy on the sarcasm, it hurts my battlewound! What's all the fuss about?

Brome: Some squirrelmaid is missing, sir.

Barkjon: Is she pretty and has a tendency to pet things?

Felldoh: Yeah!

Barkjon: I saw her stop to flirt with a tuft of grass at some point during our ninja escape. Must have died or gotten captured.

Felldoh: Oh, lord. Now I have to make some sort of pact to go rescue her, don't I?

Barkjon & Brome: *point to script*

Felldoh: _Ugh._

Rowanoak: So, we're here for the mandatory advice scene.

Ballaw: Here's a twig that extends your throwing distance, blah blah blah, cool let's go.

Felldoh: They didn't pay me enough for this role.

Brome: Are we even _trying_ anymore?!

**MARSHANK**

Badrang: IDIOT!

Cap'n Clogg: BUFFOON!

Badrang: COW!

Cap'n Clogg: …Oh, hey, no need for that! Fine, I'm leavin'! ….TO GO CAPTURE YORE OLD SLAVES HARHAR!

Badrang: Whatever, when you bring 'em back here I'll just steal them anyway.

Cap'n Clogg: What?

Badrang: Capture away!

**AT THE NINJA CAMP**

Brome: We must go save Celandine right away, she must be frightened out of her mind! Wherever she is!

**SOMEWHERE ELSE**

Celandine: Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together, rawr!

Rock: …

**SOMEWHERE CLOSE TO SOMEWHERE ELSE**

Floater the Weasel: Garn, they've covered up their tracks!

Crosstooth: What about these?

Cap'n Clogg: Follow 'em!

Floater: Why, it's a beautiful squirrelmaid!

Cap'n Clogg: She won't stay that way if she doesn't talk, har har har! I'll tickle some info out of her! *approach*

Soundtrack: DUUUUN DUUUUUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Celandine: Now what's this? Beasts are approaching!

Cap'n Clogg: What's up, babe! Gyahahah!

Celandine: …Oh, gross.

Cap'n Clogg: What? I thought ye were s'posed to compliment everythin' ye came across!

Celandine: No way, not you, Ugly.

Cap'n Clogg: Rrrr! It's the dagger treatment for you, wench!

Soundtrack: DUUUUN DUH DUH DUUUUUN!!

**TO BE CONTINUED, OBVIOUSLY.**

PS Updates will be even slower from now on. I got life and school and stuff. Ciao~


	4. Anger Counceling, You Need It

**Martin the Warrior, (really really) abridged.**

CHAPTERS 21-25.

**PEACEFUL SLEEPING TIME**

Martin: *sleep*

Rose: *sleep*

Grumm: *sleep*

Pallum: *sleep*

Lizards: *ambush*

**OR NOT **

Martin & Company: *dragged by their necks through hell and high water until they pass out from air*

Readers: Hey! Where are the jokes?

Author: You find this _funny_?

**EVENTUALLY**

Martin: …………………………………ARGH.

Pallum: Top of the mornin' to ye!

Martin: Grrrraaaaarruuugh.

Pallum: Yeah, my throat hurts too man.

Martin: Uuuuuuuughraaaaaah?

Pallum: Over there, still sleeping. Don't make too much noise though, we're surrounded. And tied to stakes by our necks.

Martin: Raaaaaaahuuugah.

Pallum: It's okay. I hate my life too man.

Martin: *crawls over to Rose to loosen her vine*

Lizards: Ssssssss!

Pallum: Also, we have company.

Big Frilly Lizard: Fffffffff! *drags Martin back to his stake*

Martin: Ggggaraaaaahey! I wasn't trying to escape, you frilly morons! And what kind of sound effect is that anyway!

Big Frilly Lizard: FFFFFFFFFFF.

Martin: Well it sounds stupid.

Big Frilly Lizard: FFFFFFffffffffFFFFFFFFFF.

Martin: You don't talk about my mother that way!

Pallum: Settle down, we better wait until the others are awake to see what they want.

Big Frilly Lizard: Ffffffffffffffff.

**AFTER SOME TIME**

Rose: …………………………………ARGH.

Pallum: Mornin'! Lookit that lovely sunshine!

Rose: Grrrraaaaarruuugh.

Pallum: Perfect for a picnic!

Rose: Uuuuuuuughraaaaaah.

Big Frilly Lizard: *gives them each water and leaves a tasteless porridge in the middle*

Pallum: And look! Breakfast is ready! All we're missing is some scones and a nice -

Martin: *punch*

**CANNIBALLISTIC FUN TIMES FOR ALL! **

Grumm: This porridge is disgusting.

Rose: Keep eating or else they'll tug on our ropes again!

Grumm: Ugh.

Pallum: *cradling his sore jaw, shooting Martin dirty looks*

Martin: What? You were asking for it.

Pallum: I was just trying to keep our minds off that fact that we're going to be eaten!

Martin: It wasn't helping.

Little Bird: Heeheehee! You guys are being fattened up like bad parodies of a Brothers Grimm story!

Grumm: Shut up or I'll fling porridge at you.

Little Bird: Hey, that aggressiveness is uncalled for.

Rose: Nice little bird, do you think you could help us?

Little Bird: Sure, as long as we keep our porridge where it belongs.

Rose: I promise. Please get the Warden Of Marshwood Hill!

Little Bird: Hi ho little bird away! *leaves*

Grumm: Go get _who?_

Rose: Oh, you know, that character that is essential to this part of the story that the author forgot to mention previously.

Grumm: Ooooh. _That_ guy.

Pallum: It would've really helped if he had been introduced beforehand, wouldn't it?

Author: Okay, okay, I got the point, _thanks._

Lizards: Ssssssssssssss!

Pallum: Looks like they want us to keep eating.

Rose: Yuck! But I'm so sick of this crap!

Big Frilly: Ffffffffffffffffffff! *stomps over*

Pallum: Looks like he means business!

Martin: *chivalrous sense rising* WELL SO DO I *headsmash*

Pallum: Martin you really need your anger issues checked out.

Martin: DO YOU _MIND_ I AM BUSY DROWNING BIG FRILLY IN PORRIDGE HERE-

Pallum: Oh alright. Carry on.

Big Frilly: **FFF***GURGLE***FFFFF***GARGLE***FFFF--**

Lizards: *swarm*

Martin: *goes down fighting*

Big Frilly: *starts up a fire*

Lizards: *drag Martin to it*

Rose: Oh I am_ not _liking this sequence of events.

Soundtrack: CRACKLE! HISS! SOUNDS OF BAD STUFF ABOUT TO HAPPEN!

Martin: Really? Shit.

**OVER BY SOMEWHERE **

Cap'n Clogg: You take that back! My mother told me I was a dashing beast!

Celandine: Was she blind?

Cap'n Clogg: **GET HER!**

Celandine: Celandine uses Sand Attack! Celandine flees!

Cap'n Clogg: Ha, you can't very far with all those frills on your dress!

Celandine: Pokemon has failed to escape.

Crableg: Aha! I've got yer leg! *THUD* …And... a… javelin in my chest! *dies*

Gritter: You've killed him, little tramp! I'll *THUD* –- er -- have a javelin in my chest too. *dies*

Celandine: _HOLY SHI_-

Ballaw: Up here on the double, miss! We're here to rescue you!

Celandine: Oh cool. *disappears*

Some Vermin: She's… she's gone! Vanished! Like _magic_!

Cap'n Clogg: She's not gone, ye lump-brains, she's jest over that hill! Get 'er!

Vermin: …

Cap'n Clogg: Ugh. I _hate_ hiring temps. You! Get up there!

Random Vermin: Okay okay I'll -- *impaled*

Cap'n Clogg: It must be magic! Retreat!

**SOMEWHERE ELSE BY SOMEWHERE, SPYING ON SOMETHING WHATEVER**

Brome: Man, I want to have a cool rescue scene too! It's not fair!

Corpses: …

Brome: You're right, I should try harder to be brave like Felldoh.

Corpses: …

Brome: And there _are_ still slaves in Marshank…

Corpses: …

Brome: Great idea! I'll dress up like a corsair and sneak them out! *runs off*

Corpses: …This is going to end _horribly._

**WHERE THE ACTION IS **

Martin: I'LL BITE YOUR EARS OFF LIKE MIKE TYSON

Lizards: *moshpit*

Rose: Let him go you rotten lizards!

Horrible Screech: EEEEEEEEEEEE!

Big Frilly: FFFFFFF!!

Lizards: *freeze, drag Martin to the others, hide them under piles of leaves*

Pallum: Look at what your anger issues have gotten us into! *gasp*

Martin: Shut up or I'll punch you! *gasp*

Horrible Screech: EEEEEEEEEE!

And So, The Warden of Marshwood Hill: *has arrived*

Pile: *is demolished. Martin & companions lay exposed on the ground. The Warden snaps their ropes.*

The Warden: You, mouse! Do you know what time it is!

Martin: *prone on the ground* Uh… maybe ten o'clock or so?

The Warden: No!

Martin: Oh… hammer time?

The Warden: NO!

Martin: Look, I got nothin'.

The Warden: It's… **DINNER TIME!**

Martin: You coulda said that in the first place.

Big Frilly: FFFFFF… oooh fuuuuu -- *eaten*

The Warden: TONIGHT! I DINE! ON _YOU_!

Grumm: Oh. _Gross. _

Rose: It's terrible!

Pallum: It's wrong!

Martin: It's _justice_, and it tastes sweet.

Grumm: Is it just me or does Jacques really like cannibalism?

Rose: Sssssh!

The Lizards: *are decimated*

The Warden: Aaaah. And that's that. Also, I am the law. I kill lawbreakers. Any questions?

Martin And Friends: … *shake their heads*

The Warden: Good. Now come along, you're invited to my tea party.

Pallum: Uh, actually, we're already headed somewhere else… somewhere _far_ else…

The Warden: YOU DO NOT WANT TO COME TO MY TEA PARTY?

Pallum: *shiver*

Rose: I'm sorry Mr. Law, but we need to get to Noonvale!

The Warden: I do not know this Noonvale, but you will follow me through this marsh anyway. I am the law. Any questions?

All: …*shake their heads*

The Warden: Good. I will take you to my tea party.

All: *sigh*

**LATER, STILL IN THE MARSH**

The Warden: Camp here, tea party-goers! Stay while I invite more lizards to my tea party! *stalks off*

Pallum: Oh, ugh. Think he's gonna eat us too?

Martin: No, he's probably afraid of your spikes.

Pallum: Hm, I hadn't thought of that.

Martin: I know you didn't.

Pallum: YOU WANNA FIGHT?

Rose: Now now boys. Let's not give Mr. Law any reason to kill us messily with his beak.

Pallum: *grumble why does everyone pick on me grumble mumble*

**SOMETIME THAT NIGHT**

Martin: …*gadually comes awake*

Random Noise: *shuffle shuffle*

Martin: Hm? Rose… Grumm… you guys awake?

Rose, Grumm, & Pallum: *sleeping peacefully*

Random Noise: *shuffle shuffle*

Martin: …Mister Warden?

Random Noise: *shuffle shuffle*

Martin: ...Look, I don't want to know what you're doing, but could you cut it out? It's a little awkward.

Random Noise: *shuffle shuffle*

Martin: Don't make me come over there, Mister Warden.

Random Noise: *shuffle shuffle*

Martin: I'm not saying it again, Mister Warden!

Random Noise: *shuffle shuffle*

Martin: That's it, I'm coming over theeeaaA_AAAAAATTACKKKK__! _

**OVER BY THE LAND OF BAD IDEAS**

Wulpp: Arrrgh… my leg… uuuugh…

Brome-As-Bucktail: Ho there, matey. Here, lemme help yer to the fortress…

Wulpp: Ar, thanks mate. It ain't often ye see an 'onest messmate - I won't ferget yer!

Bucktail: Haha… no problem mate… Alright, we're inside… what's going on over there?

Wulpp: Argh, probably Clogg and Badrang havin' another sissy fit.

Cap'n Clogg: YE STOLE MY AMIDALA BARBIE WHEN I WAS FOUR!

Badrang: 'CUZ YE FLUSHED MY PET GOLDFISH DOWN THE LOO!

Cap'n Clogg: NOT MY FAULT THE RETARD DECIDED TO EXPLORE THE WORLD!

Badrang: YOU CAN'T SAY THAT, THAT'S OFFENSIVE, I'M TELLING!

Bucktail: I… is that seriously what all this is about?!

Wulpp: Oh no, it's much more than that.

Bucktail: I'd hope so!

Wulpp: Apparently they're mad about that time Badrang hid Clogg's legos and Clogg smashed Badrang's train set.

Bucktail: …

Wulpp: Tragic, ain't it?

Bucktail: Uh… yeah… so tragic I think I need to _sleep off the shock_.

Wulpp: Oh, not me.

Bucktail: You're not tired at all?

Wulpp: Oh, no.

Bucktail: …

Keyla: What's going on over here… Brome?!?

Bucktail: SSSH… Let's get you to sleep…

Wulpp: No really, I'm not tire-

Keyla: *ONE HIT K.O.*

Wulpp: *slumps over*

Bucktail: See, you're _dead_ tired!

Keyla: So, my free friend, why are you back here?

Bucktail: Listen closely, I'm about to relate a plan of dastardly cunning!

**FURTHER IN THE UBER-FORT OF DAMNATION AND DOMINATION **

Gurrad the Rat: Wotcher, Baddy!

Badrang: What?

Gurrad: I meant, what evil doings are you up to now, my nefarious leader -- whoa, that is a _lot_ of poison.

Badrang: *Glare*

Gurrad: I mean, totally innocent damson wine!

Badrang: Come closer, rat, and listen as I relate a plan of dastardly cunning!

**JUST OUTSIDE THE UBER-FORT OF DAMNATION AND DOMINATION**

Oilback the Rat: *ZING SWING ZOOM SHAAH WOW!*

Cap'n Clogg: Garn! Your knife-throwing skills are much better than your name!

Oilback: Yeah, my mum hated me. Whatcha call me 'ere for, boss?

Cap'n Clogg: Well, listen 'ere, I got a plan of dastardly cunnin'!

**BY THE SLAVE COMPOUND **

Keyla Dressed As A Corsair: You know, for a plan of "dastardly cunning", this is kind of irritatingly simple.

Brome/Bucktail/Whatever: Just shut up and act mean. Friends, follow behind us and don't say a word! Now… MARCH!

**INSIDE THE FORTRESS/FORT/IS THERE ANY DIFFERENCE**

Badrang: …and all you do is leave this flagon of poison close to Clogg's paw, then he'll drink it, then he'll die!

Gurrad: Well that's not too difficult. I'll go right now.

**JUST OUTSIDE**

Oilback: *Hidden in the shadows, sees a figure sneaking out, throws a knife and kills it.*

Oilback: Oh, and 'e 'ad some wine on 'im! Lucky day! I just 'hope I don't – *BAM*

Brome: Ow!

Oilback: Ow!

Brome: Who are you!

Oilback: Who are _you? _

Brome: Somebeast doing stuff!

Oilback: Oh yeah?

Brome: Important stuff!

Oilback: Oh yeah. I'm doing stuff too.

Brome: Okay good.

Oilback: …

Brome: … Well I'll just be off then.

OilbacK: Wait a minnit! What are you doing with those sl—

Brome: *waves paw* These are not the slaves you are looking for.

Oilback: I… uh… yeah. I'm off to do stuff.

Brome: Yeah?

Oilback: Important stuff.

Brome: Okay bye.

Oilback: *walks away* …Phew! That was close. Some wine should settle my nerves…

**IN THE PIT OF DESPAIR**

Brome: Now all of you jump in. It's gonna be a little tight, but you should fit.

Geum the Irritating Mousewife: I am a mouse and I am irritating!

Keyla: We can tell.

Geum: I'm not crawling in there, it's dark and deep and dirty!

Keyla: Either you wear the dirt or you wear my fist.

Brome: There's no need for violence, we don't have time. Everybeast do your best! We should be out of here without a hitch!

Tunnel: Oh no, I have other plans.

Brome: WHAT?

Keyla: Did the tunnel just talk?

Brome: No, it caved in!

Geum: 2012!! THE WORLD IS ENDING! MAY THE RUSSIANS SAVE US!!

Keyla: …I could've sworn I heard it talk.

**BACK TO THE CHARACTERS WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT… JK GUYS**

Martin: Uppercut! Side slash! Roll, elbow jab, double stab, back step turn shank!

Rose: *beats something with a sack*

Pallum & Grumm: *are doing something else*

Martin: _LAME_.

Pallum: Look, it's your job to look cool, not ours.

Mysterious Attackers: Ssssss!

Martin: Grumm! Make fire!

Grumm: Whoa, it's those lizards from the other night!

Pallum: Ugh. I hate lizards. I'm never saving money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

Warden: I… am… the… *croak* LAAAAWWWW…

Rose: Yeah well your tea parties suck.

**15 MINUTES COULD SAVE YOU 15 PERCENT ON CAR INSURANCEtm**

Warden: My tea party was annulled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Rose, Martin, Pallum & Grumm: *flat look*

Warden: And I do not know the way to Noonvale.

Rose, Martin, Pallum & Grumm: *flat look*

Warden: But… I am the law?

Rose: Whatever. Can you send us to somebeast who _can_ help?

Warden: Oh sure! Very simple! No problem at all! You won't even break a sweat! Just climb that gigantic mountain up ahead.

Rose, Martin, Pallum & Grumm: *flat look*

Warden: Alright, just climb about halfway up and ask for Boldred.

Martin: Ask who? The _rocks_?

Warden: *flies away* I AM THE LAAAAAAAAWWWWWwwwwwwwww…

Grumm: …I hate that guy.

**LATER ON**

Grumm: Aaaah, a delicious dinner between four friends.

Pallum: *angry silence*

Martin: *annoyed eyeroll*

Rose: *staring off at the stars*

Crickets: *waxing their wings*

Grumm: *Raises spoon slowly* I SAID, A NICE DELICIOUS DINNER I WORKED SO HARD TO MAKE BETWEEN FOUR BEST FRIENDS.

Pallum: Lovely dinner it is!

Martin: Such love and dedication of the culinary arts!

Rose: Four of the bestest friends everest!

Grumm: _Much better._

Rose: *Sigh* I'm so worried, guys. Do you think Brome and Felldoh made it?

Martin: Well nur. We wouldn't have a book if they didn't.

Pallum: Yeah, Jacques always has at least two storylines going simultaneously.

Grumm: Plus, they still have speaking lines in the script.

Rose: …Sometimes I worry about the amount of fourth walls we break.

Martin: It'll be fine, I've read worse fics than this.

Somewhere Off In The Distance: *ruckus*

Pallum: What was that?!

Martin: Your mother.

Pallum: **ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT, I'M GONNA – **

Suddenly: *A Bunch Of Squirrels Bust Into Their Camp*

Squirrel #1: *tapdances on their food*

Squirrel #4: *leapfrogs over Grumm*

Chaos: Hey guys I'm back!

Grumm: What is this madness?!

Pallum: Martin, why don't you punch _them_ for a change?!

Martin: Can't, they haven't harmed us directly.

Squirrel #23: *shoves Rose*

Martin: Alright, now they've harmed us directly.

**AFTER MARTIN IS DONE ADMINISTERING A TWO-STEP BEAT DOWN**

Squirrels: _So much… pain… ow…_

Martin: Who are you savages?!

Squirrel #9: We're the Gawtrybe, too cool for _you_ losers.

Pallum: *PUNCH* Looks like you're out cold to me.

Martin: Hey, good one.

Squirrels: Hehehee! *Start maniacally punching each other*

Rose: These guys are like the living impersonations of ADHD.

Martin: …….AAAAARGH!

All Activity: *Stops*

Martin: You better recognize, fools.

Grumm: Stop it this instant you wild bunch, or I'll send you to the Warden's tea party.

Squirrels: Bah.

Rose: Or we'll just tell Boldred.

Squirrels: Eek! *Bounce off*

Rose: Ugh, what madness.

Martin: Definitely not Sparta.

Grumm: And I'm pretty sure it's safe to foreshadow that we'll be seeing them again.

**AND SURE ENOUGH, NEXT MORNING…**

Martin & Company: *climbing up the mountain*

Squirrels: Hee hee hee, little hooligans!

Pallum: Martin, now I understand why you are so aggressive and violent.

Martin: See? Somebeast understands me.

Squirrels: *mocking* Somebeast understands me ooooooh

Grumm: Urge… to kill… rising…

Rose: Look up ahead! A ton of them are blocking the way!

Martin: What do you brainless furballs want.

Gawtrybe Chieftain: Love and affection!

Martin & Company: …

Gawtrybe Chieftain: You see, we have no parents to guide us, and we crave parental companionship and devotion, therefore we act out in violent and childish ways. Few know that our behaviours are actually cries for attention.

Martin & Company: …

Gawtrybe Chieftain: Just kidding! Give me the sword or die, then I'll just take the sword anyway.

Martin: I'd rather set myself on fire than give you this sword!

Gawtrybe Chieftain: I'll fight you for it!

Martin: Fine, but I call the method.

Gawtrybe Chieftain: Fine!

Martin: We will play…** SPIT**. One game only. You win, you get the sword. I win, you let us pass.

Gawtrybe Chieftain: Fine!

Rose: Is that a… card game?

Grumm: Yeah, it's pretty much an excuse to slap at somebeast's paws as hard as you can. Very violent.

Pallum: *mumble* I should've known.

Squirrel Referee: Ready… Set… SPIT!

Soundtrack: **DUUUUN DUUUUN dee dee DUUUUNNNN!!**

**TO BE CONTINUED, OBVIOUSLY.**

A/N: FITFTEEN MINUTES COULD SAVE YOU FIFTEEN PERCENT!!!


	5. How To Be Awesome

**Martin the Warrior, (really really) abridged.**

CHAPTERS 26-30.

**IN THE APTLY-NAMED PIT OF DEATH**

Geum: We're trapped!

Yarrow: And running out of air!

Somebeast else: We're going to die!

Everybeast: **WOE!**

Keyla: LET ME AT IT! I'LL SHOW YOU WHY THIS BOOK SHOULD'VE BEEN NAMED AFTER ME! *digs through the cave-in*

Tunnel: Aw. And I was having fun, too.

Keyla: I HATE talking tunnels!

Brome: Keyla, who are you talking to?

Keyla: _I'm not crazy!_

Brome: So I'm just going to pause right here to let the irony of that statement sink in.

**ON THE MARSHANK WALL-TOPS**

Bluehide: *yawn* Ah, what a nice peaceful morning. Nothing could go wrong. The sun is in the sky… the slaves are in the pit…

Stumptooth: No they're not.

Bluehide: …

Stumptooth: THE SLAVES HAVE ESCAPED!

Bluehide: I HATE HOW PREDICTABLE THIS JOB IS!

Badrang: Incompetents, all of you! Gather the horde! Find the slaves! You, Nipwort, get in the pit and see how they escaped!

Nipwort: I DON'T EVEN GET PAID OVERTIME!

Badrang: What was that?

Nipwort: Off to do your bidding, sir!

Gurrad's Corpse: Asskisser.

Badrang: *grabs Gurrad's corpse and shoves it into the pit, replaces the grating afterwards*

**A LITTLE FARTHER AWAY**

Tramun Clogg: Crap, here comes his Lowness, bent on revenge for my assassination attempt!

Hisk: GET THE SLAVES! HURRY!

Tramun Clogg: …Or not. I smell an opportunity! What ho, Baddy, what's going on?

Badrang: The slaves have escaped, idiot!

Tramun Clogg: Ah, well then I guess I'll help ye! I need those slaves to build my ship, after all. You go looking south, I'll head north!

Hisk: Hey, what happened to your accent?

Badrang: I don't care. Go!

Nipwort: Ugh, what a badly dug tunnel. Like it caved in or something. Hey, I see the slaves… and here comes my boss! OVER HERE SIR!

**UP ON SOME CLIFF, YES YET ANOTHER CLIFF**

Brome: *has come back from fetching Felldoh and others* There, not far now!

Felldoh: Brome, I just want you to know that you're an idiot.

Ballaw: Not really, his plan worked, didn't it?

Brome: Yeah! And besides, this is supposed to signify my growth in maturity. I haven't said anything about soap operas in a while, you know?

Felldoh: You're still annoying.

Brome: There, I see the slaves!

Rowanoak: And the horde behind them!

Brome: Aw crud.

Ballaw: Lower the ropes! We might still be able to help them!

Badrang: MY slaves, you hear me? MINE!

Slaves: *climb ropes*

Vermin: *wave pointy things at them*

Ballaw: *fires arrows at vermin waving pointy things*

Felldoh: *badasses*

Buckler: *takes a spear through the shoulder* Mole down! MOLE DOWN!

Rowanoak: I'LL SAVE YOU TOKEN MOLE CHARACTER!

Felldoh: There, got the last of them!

Badrang: CLIMB THE ROPES!

Rowanoak: Ha, go ahead.

Badrang: NEVERMIND! _DON'T_ CLIMB THE ROPES!

Ominous Rumbling: *may I present the FOUR MASSIVE BOULDERS OF DOOM*

Some Vermin: *get caught in MASSIVE BOULDERS OF DOOM*

Other Vermin: *fire arrows at clifftop*

Rowanoak: Whatever, let's make like Micheal Jackson and beat it!

Felldoh: SUCKAAAAAS.

Badrang: I hate that squirrel dude! I hope I get to kill him one day.

Readers: *pause for effect*

Badrang: You, Hisk! Take a team and track them. Don't attack, just find them and come back here. Not that they'll pose a threat, they're _just_ slaves and actors.

Hisk: That doesn't sound foreboding at all.

**MEANWHILE! BACK! AT! MARSHANK! **

Tramin Clogg: Life is _good _when you've captured your enemy's fort.

Corsairs: Hear, hear!

**WHERE WE LAST LEFT OFF**

Martin: Okay, I think I know what the problem is.

Squirrel Leader: What problem! There's no problem here!

Martin: _You don't know how to count!_

Squirrel Leader: Then I win by default!

Martin: That makes no sense!

Squirrel Leader: _YOUR MOTHER_ made no sense LAST NIGHT.

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOH.

Readers: Looks like SOMEONE overstepped the bounds of this fantasy children's series!

Martin: You did NOT just say that.

Squirrel Leader: Hah, what if I did? I - hey, what are you doing? Hey –

**SCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED DUE TO GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE. THE FIGHT WAS KIND OF ONE-SIDED ANYWAY**

Squirrel Leader: _I hurt in places I didn't even know I had._

Martin: I have a Ph.D. in Kicking Ass and a black belt at Wiping-Floor-With-Your-Corpse.

Squirrel Leader: *cringe*

Martin: Fools better recognize. *turns to camera* Kids, the moral of this episode is that you don't talk about other kids' mamas.

**SOME TIME LATER, THE SOUND OF OMINOSITY IS IN THE AIR**

Pallum: Guys, those squirrels are back!

Grumm: And they're blocking the way!

Rose: With _axes_!

Martin: Okay this might be bad. Alright, do you all trust me?

Others: …

Martin: I have a sword, teenage aggression, and a LOT of bloodwrath.

Pallum: We're with you all the way!

Squirrels: Are you done talking yet? Play a game! Play a game!

Martin: What do you want to play?

Squirrels: The Run-up-the-mountain-while-we-chase-you-and-if-we-catch-you-we-throw-you-off game.

All: *gulp*

Martin: My friends and I might _die_.

Squirrels: Pffffft.

Martin: Alright, we'll play. But only if we get a head start. Then it will be an _awesome_ game.

Squirrels: How awesome?

Martin: Awesome as _balls_.

Squirels: HEAD START! HEAD START!

Martin: Let us get to the ledge, then I'll shout the signal for you to start. The signal is "Gawtrybesucks."

Squirrels: GAWTRYBESUCKS! GAWTRYBESUCKS!

Pallum: What _idiots. _

Rose: I'm still scared, love interest.

Martin: Trust me on this, I totally took a class in evading life or death situations.

Rose: Really?

Martin: No. But I saw a movie once. 'Die Hard' counts, right?

**AFTER THE GROUP MARCHES THROUGH THE CROWD **

Rose: They're just standing there, watching us!

Martin: Think of happier things. Flowers. Puppies. Fat people tripping.

Rose: No, not helping.

Martin: *holds her paw*

Rose: I feel a lot better!

Martin: Also, that last joke was mean and I apologize.

**FINALLY, AT THE TOP LEDGE**

Grumm: Did I mention I hate heights? Because it's important you all know that I hate heights.

Pallum: Alright Martin, give them the signal.

Martin: What signal?

Pallum: Suddenly I _like_ you.

Martin: Less talking, more running.

Rose: I wonder how long it will take them to notice?

Squirrels: *ZERG RUSH*

Martin: I hate children I hate children I hate children.

Rose: What was that?

Martin: Unless they're yours.

Rose: You're so sweet!

Martin: Like that kiss you owe me?

Pallum: _GUYS!_

Rose: Oh, right, being chased by raging horde of prepubescent barbarians, got it.

Pallum: No, the readers are practically gagging. This fic is rated PG!

Rose: No, it isn't.

Martin: Whatever, we're developing our romantic relationship.

Grumm: Well great. Meanwhile, we are _still being chased by rabid squirrels. _

Martin: Bah, details.

Rose: Look, up ahead! If we can make it to that cave, we'll be, uh, slightly better off!

Pallum: Or just trapped in a cave with rabid squirrel children, no big deal.

Martin: CLIMB FASTER.

**AT THE RAMBLING ROSEHIP PLAYER'S CAMP**

Ballaw: We were awesome, weren't we? I daresay we were rather awesome.

Felldoh: Ugh. I'm going to go brood. Peace out y'all.

A Mousewife Named Purslane: Look, son! FOOD! LOTS OF IT!

Really Tasty And Detailed Description of Food: *has probably got your mouth watering am I right*

Rowanoak: -and you can have _as much as you like_.

Purslane: *SOB*

Celandine: Oh my, too much food for such a dainty damsel such as I.

Ballaw: You _are_ getting kind of fat.

Celandine: *PUNCH*

Rowanoak: Protip, never tell a woman she's fat, even if its just a ploy to steal her plate.

Ballaw: *tear*

Celandine: HUMPH.

Brome: Your shoulder is looking better Buckler, judging by how you're going at that pastie.

Buckler: Bah, 'tis but a flesh wound.

Author: I've been dying to use that joke.

Barkjon: Shut up, invisible lady. Where is my son? If there was some badassery going down, I know he was involved.

Brome: Off brooding, I'll go bring him some food.

**OFF BY THE CLIFFS OF BROODING**

Felldoh: I hate Badrang like BURNING. One day I will CRUSH him.

Brome: So, uh, Felldoh.

Felldoh: Yeah.

Brome: You know how we promised to go to Noonvale?

Felldoh: Uhuh.

Brome: And meet up with my sister?

Felldoh: Yuhuh.

Brome: …

Felldoh: Well we can't just LEAVE here, Brome. Besides, I'm sure Grumm and Rose are fine, Martin's with them. And Martin and I are bros. They're totally safe.

**UP ON THE MOUNTAIN**

Pallum: They're getting closer!

Rose: And waving their axes!

Martin: Would you STOP MENTIONING THEIR AXES.

Rose: Well, they're waving them rather ferociously.

**BACK BY THE CLIFFS OF BROODING**

Brome: You're right, they're probably fine.

Felldoh: See, they might even be marching up that cliff this very instant!

Brome: Gee, there sure are lots of cliffs in this book.

Felldoh: Whatever, just stare at them self-reflectively for a while.

Brome: Actually, I see a band of vermin up ahead! Looks like they're tracking the cart!

Felldoh: What, seriously?

Brome: Yeah, look over there!

Felldoh: It's PARTY TIME. Take this javelin and drag its end on the ground, we're going to make fresh tracks to lead them away. Once we're in the swampland, we'll wait and ambush them.

Brome: Ambush? Like… uh… kill them?

Felldoh: Duh. Remember, go for the head or the neck.

Brome: *tremble*

**IN THE MARSHES**

Hisk: Ha, those slaves must've thought they were clever, hiding in the marshes. Well we've got them now! Stupid little slaves.

Trackers: *sinks into swamp*

**HIDING IN THE BUSHES**

Some Vermin: *dying gurgle*

Felldoh: Boom! Headshot.

Brome: *slackjawed horror*

Felldoh: Here, rattle the bushes while I snipe them. Hell of an adventure, huh?

Brome: _I want to go hoooooome_

**AFTER LEADING THE VERMIN ON A MERRY DANCE IN THE SWAMP**

Felldoh: Another job well done, let's go back to camp. I missed that scummy Hisk though. Well, tomorrow's another day!

Brome: *sob*

Felldoh: There there young creature. I understand. It takes an extreme amount of awesome and suffering to be badass like me. You've lived an easy life, watching soap operas and picking daisies. But Martin and I, we once killed a man for his hat.

Brome: Really?

Felldoh: No. But we had more balls than you.

Brome: *scowl*

**AT THE GATES OF MARSHANK, WHICH ARE LOCKED, AS BADRANG REALIZES IN A MOMENT OF QUIET ANGER**

Badrang: _FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCC_-

**MEANWHILE, ON RUNNINGMOUSE MOUNTAIN**

Martin: Go go go!

Grumm: I AM TERRIFIED OF HEIGHTS.

Martin: Looks like I'll have to fight them to buy you time!

Rose: AW HELL NAW. If you want this sugar, you're gonna have to LIVE for it.

Martin: I mean, Looks like I'll have to climb faster!

Squirrel #45: Got yer paw!

Martin: *oblivion dropkick*

Squirrel #45: Nevermiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnddddd-

Rose: Grumm and I have made it to the cave!

Pallum: *groan*

Voice In The Darkness: WHO DARES TRESPASS.

Rose: Please, the squirrels are trying to kill us!

Massive Owl: Then come inside my cave, hurry!

Pallum: My mommy told me to stay away from strangers!

Rose: Listen stupid they'll tear you apart out there so just –

Pallum: I don't want to come inside your cave! Stranger danger! STRANGER DANGE-

Martin: *boots*

Squirrels: *approach*

Massive Owl: I, BOLDRED, HAVE RETURNED. HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SMACK YOU BEFORE YOU ACT RIGHT?

Squirrels: *whimper*

Boldred: ONCE?

Squirrels: *cry*

Boldred: TWICE?

Squirrel #03: We were only playing a game!

Boldred: *TALONCURBSTOMP* Well, THIS is MY game. Unless you want to play, go away and don't make me come back for you. I have a great recipe for squirrel soup.

Squirrels: *run away into the night*

Boldred: Bah, they'll probably be back tomorrow. You, travelers, come rest in my cave.

Pallum: *shiver*

**INSIDE BOLDRED'S CAVE OF CONVENIENCE**

Horty, Boldred's Husband: You look familiar, little mousy.

Rose: I am Laterose of Noonvale. Unfortunately we don't know how to get back…

Boldred: What a coincidence! We are mapmakers!

Rose: How convenient!

Boldred: And I'll accompany you there!

Rose: Shwing!

**AS THEY CONTINUE THEIR JOURNEY**

Boldred: What a beautiful day. Rose is picking flowers, Pallum is eating apples, Grumm is skipping… oh and Martin you're going to live a life of tragedy and suffering.

Martin: …

Readers: You really need new jokes.

Author: Why do you pin this stuff on me? It's straight from the book.

**INSIDE MARSHANK **

Tramun Clogg: Har har har, my first day on the job as ruler of Marshank!

Badrang: Which will be your last!

Tramun Clogg: _Wha-whu-huh-what__?_

Badrang: I used the slaves' escape tunnel to climb back in.

Tramun Clogg: But – but you replaced the grating!

Badrang: *shrug*

Tramun Clogg: I _hate_ plot holes!

Badrang: Also, I've captured your crew and converted them to my horde. You're a dirt digger now!

Tramun Clogg: *grinds teeth*

Badrang: Also also, the game.

Tramun Clogg: FFFFUUUUUUUUUCCC-

**AT THE PLAYER'S CAMP**

Keyla: So basically, if you hit vermin _here_ it makes them go ouch, but if you hit them _here_ it makes them cry for their mothers.

Former slaves: A valuable life lesson!

Felldoh: Also, always go for a headshot. It adds points to your gamer score.

Barkjon: Hey all, I may be a feeble old squirrel but I was a boy scout once. We learned how to kill things. So I made these lethal stone slings.

Keyla: DO WANT.

Felldoh: I say we attack tonight!

Barkjon: No son, our forces are too feeble.

Felldoh: We're not going to start a battle. Here's my plan. One, hit with lightning attacks. Two, ?, then Three, profit!

Barkjon: Well, if it's a South Park reference, then it must be a good idea!

Brome: Listen guys, I can't do this killing thing.

Ballaw: Take it like a man, pansy.

Brome: But… but… I'm a mouse!

Ballaw: TAKE IT.

Felldoh: Or be a healer.

Brome: *relieved sigh*

Ballaw: That mouse really has no balls.

**TO BE CONTINUED, OBVIOUSLY.**

This fic is just a reference gorefest, really. I barely even need to make jokes.

/Edited 10:36 PM 9/09/2011


	6. No Fourth Wall

**TO THOSE OF YOU LIVING UNDER ROCKS, there is an animated movie (based off the book 'Mossflower') currently in production and WE NEED YOUR HELP! **We are always looking for volunteers. If you have animating/drawing/designing experience, we'd love to have you. Inquire at **Redwall-animation dot deviantart dot com**.

Now back to our regular programming.

**Martin the Warrior, (really really) abridged.**

CHAPTERS 31-33.

**EN ROUTE TO NOONVALE**

Grumm: Look! A cherry tree!

Boldred: Go ahead! I'll be off somewhere doing something.

Pallum: Wha...?

Boldred: I don't know, I don't have any lines in this scene.

Everybeast: *eats and runs amok*

Grumm: This is quite a nice change from the usual running and shouting, isn't it?

Grumpy Hedgehog: **WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?**

Grumm: This is why I can't have nice things.

Pallum: Hey, easy on the shouting. We're not doing anything wrong.

Grumpy Hedgehog: You are! You're stealing my cherries!

Rose: Don't be silly, old one. They're everybeast's cherries!

Grumpy Hedgehog: Garn, teenagers! I hate them! I'll wave my stick at you!

Martin: Listen. I am tired of having things waved menacingly at me, and I am stronger than you.

Grumpy Hedgehog: What are you doing to do, _angst_ at me? Get off my lawn!

Rose: There's just no reasoning with him.

Grumm: *rolls up sleeves* Is Grumm going to have to smack a bitch?

Hedgehog: Oh, it's a mole! Why, you should come in and have some tea!

Grumm: Sounds agreeable!

Pallum: Are you all nuts? No way in hellgates am I following this bipolar stranger into his house to have tea. It's probably drugged or something.

Rose: Pallum, really, this is getting old.

**A COUPLE HOURS LATER**

Rose: Aaaaugh …

Random Otter: Partying too hard last night?

Rose: I don't… remember… *slump*

Random Otter: Of course you don't, Aggril the Hedgehog slipped you some sleeping potion. The good news is, you're one of the few who lived!

Rose: Joy…

Random Otter: And we're here! Behold… my lovely ship!

Martin: Whuuuuat?

Grumm: Aaaargh…

Pallum: I… told you… so…

Boldred: After you were knocked out the otters carried you off to a ship, so that you can continue your travels faster.

Martin: And you just let him poison us?

Boldred: Listen, we don't question the morals of this book.

Random Otter: Ahoy! Me name's Stalwort, an' welcome to Waterlily Specialty Cruises! We hope you enjoy your stay, and remember, nobeast boards without life insurance!

Rose: What is this "life insurance" you speak of?

Stalwort: Oh, just a little piece of paper that insures your safety!

Grumm: You make it sound as if we might be in danger upon this rather-fast-flowing river!

Stalwort: Bah, nonsense. What, you think there are waterfalls here or something?

All: *laugh*

Rose: So that piece of paper will really keep us alive should we come across possibly-fatal circumstances?

Stalwort: Well, no. And definitely not you.

Rose & Others: ...

Stalwort: But it'll give your family plenty of money if you kick the bucket!

Rose: I don't like the sound of this.

Stalwort: ALLLL ABOARD!

**OBLIGATORY JOKE**

Pallum: Hey guys! Check it out! I'M ON A BOAT!

Grumm: LIKE A BOSS!

T-Pain: *swallows a robot*

**THE NEXT DAY**

Stalwort: I see you've been having a wonderful time aboard Waterlily Specialty Cruises!

Martin & Company: YEAH!

Stalwort: Swimming with the dolphins, feeding the beluga whales, and whatnot?

Martin & Company: YEAH!

Stalwort: And you'd love to stay forever!

Martin & Company: YEAH!

Stalwort: Buuuuut we've sucked your bank accounts dry. And left you in debt. So we're dumping you off with the shrews!

Martin: But… I was saving up for a pony!

Stalwort: Listen, I've got a whole tribe to feed, alright? What, you think hiring those dolphins was _cheap_?

Martin: Aww.

Stalwort: So here's your new ride!

Shrews: *SQUABBLE BLABBER ARGUE NONSENSE YELLING CHAOS*

Stalwort: Thank you for your business! *puts on sunglasses and disappears*

Pallum: Dammit why are otter characters so cool!

Rose: These shrew guys are just… grouchy.

Grumm: Yuck, even their _food_ is grouchy.

Rose: Here, grab a piece of cake and eat it like it's the best thing on earth. We'll use that to placate them!

Grumm: SWEET DELICIOUS CAKE, OH MY

Martin: SO GOOD I COULD DIE

Rose: I'M GLAD IT WAS NOT A LIE

Pallum: THIS CAKE MAKES MY LIFE FINALLY WORTHWHILE

Readers: Okay, okay, too much.

Pallum: It's the truth.

Shrews: …

Shrew #56: Ey, gimme some of that! Or I'll stab you!

Martin: Alright, the next beast to wave things in my face gets punched in the mouth.

Shrew #56: *retreats*

Shrew #13: Well, _I'll_ stab you for that cake!

Martin: You're _one meter tall_. I can take you.

Shrew #13: *retreats*

Boldred: I'm not sure these crude beasts can appreciate the deliciosity of these cakes!

Shrews: No! We'll appreciate them, I'm sure.

Rose: If you agree to sail tonight, and stop your pointless arguing, we'll give them to you.

Shrews: But, we _really_ like arguing…

Rose: ALL OF OUR SWEET, DELICIOUS CAKE.

Shrews: Deal!

**BACK AT MARSHANK**

Clogg: Huh. From havin' me own ship n' crew to diggin' graves! Well, at least I ain't a guard.

Guards: *knocked out by slingstones*

Clogg: …

From Outside: FUUUUUR AND FREEEEDOMMMM!

Clogg: Yep, glad I ain't a guard.

Badrang: ATTTACK! TO THE WALLTOPS! GET YOUR SLINGS AND BOWS!

Ballaw: There you are then, I'm going to head to the back of the fort. Have fun storming the castle!

Felldoh: Oh… I **will**.

Some Vermin: There, sir, behind those rocks!

Arrows and Slings: *clatter off harmlessly*

Badrang: Damn this night, I can't see anything!

Boggs the ferret: I think I can, sir. There are creatures coming this way, running now straight for Marsank!.

**IN THE MARSHES **

Captain Hisk: MARSHANK! AT LAST!

Readers: *take a desk and apply it directly to the forehead*

**GENERAL MAYHEM**

Vermin: We're being fired at from both sides!

Juniper the Mouse: Haha, morons, you don't even deserve to aaaaaaargh.

Yarrow the Mouse: Oh my Jacques! He's dead! He jumped up in the middle of a firefight and now he's dead!

Keyla: Well don't jump up either, or you'll die too!

Yarrow: But… he was my friend!

Keyla: Whatever, he only had one line in the whole book anyway.

Felldoh: Let's just get these losers out of here.

Yarrow: *sob*

**ON THE MARSHANK WALLTOPS**

Badrang: Wait for it… wait for it… NOW!

Captain Hisk Et All: *Die*

Badrang: HA! Stupid goodbeasts, who would run at full charge in full view anyway?

**ALONG THE BEACH, HEADING BACK TO CAMP**

Ballaw: Well that was awesome! Went perfectly well! Not a scratch! How about you?

Felldoh: Juniper's dead.

Everybeast: *mournful silence*

Ballaw: Er… who?

Felldoh: Some character no one cares about. Point is, we've no reason to be celebrating.

Ballaw: *puts away party hat*

**LATER, AT LIGHT OF DAWN, INSPECTING THE CORPSES**

Corpses: *definitely Hisk and his crew*

Cap'n Clogg, Now Slave Extraordinaire: Gee, forgive me if I'm wrong, but that sure happens to look a lot like your captain, Baddy!

Badrang: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

**DIGGING A GRAVE FOR JUNIPER**

Yarrow: Suddenly I'm an important character because my friend died!

Rowanoak: This is an ode to the horrors of war!

All: WOE!

Brome: You know, these scenes are really short lately.

Ballaw: Less whining, more mourning!

Barkjon: Well there's supposed to be a scene change here, but we'll ignore that and keep going. Anyway, Juniper was a nice kid, it sucks that he died, anybeast have anything else to say?

Felldoh: I WILL AVENGE YOU, JUNIPER! I WILL DRINK THE BLOOD OF YOUR KILLER AND DANCE ON HIS CORPSE!

All: *bow their heads* rAmen!

Brome: That… that wasn't a eulogy at all!

Kastern: Dunno, I thought it was pretty good. All emotional and stuff.

Brome: Whoa, where'd you come from?

Kastern: I'll be your potential love interest. Fandom is all about shipping any possible character.

Brome: Oh. Well, Felldoh has become a blood-crazed maniac. Are all warriors like that?

Kastern: Let me think. I'd have to say… yeah, yeah they are. Because I've met every warrior in existence, so I should know.

Brome: **WOE TO MY SISTER IF SHE STAYS BY THE SIDE OF A WARRIOR!**

Kastern: That fills the foreshadowing quota for this chapter. Want to make out?

Brome: Yeah! I… I mean, LET ME DROWN MY SORROWS IN WOMEN, I AM A MAN NOW!

**BACK WITH THE SHREWS**

Rose: I can't take much more of this constant arguing!

Grumm: Always about such trivial matters, too.

Pallum: Yeah! Always 'computer algorithm' this and 'fractal patterns in nature' and 'cure for AIDS' that… WHO CARES!

Rose: Let's just leave. I can't stand this idiocy.

Martin: So we're just going to walk the rest of the way? What's the point of that?

Pallum: Who knows, it's in the book.

Rose: *after walking for some time* You know… this forest looks really familiar!

Martin: What? Do you think we're close to…

Rose: NOONVALE!

Boldred: Ha, race you there!

Martin: Oh, you're still here?

Boldred: *frown*

**IN NOONVALE THE GRASS IS GREENER, THE AIR IS SWEETER, THE ANGELIC CHORUS PLAYS YEAR-ROUND**

Urran Voh, Chieftain of Noonvale: My sweet daughter, you're alive! Where is your brother?

Rose: My… what?

Aryah, Wife of Voh: Brother. Sibling. Parental relative. Frere. Hermano. Brome?

Rose: He's not here? But we promised to meet up in Noonvale! That was practically the _whole point of the book! The **entire plot motivator!**_

Urran Voh: Sometimes, daughter, PROMISES ARE BROKEN. Or books make no sense but hey it was written for children.

Rose: Bah.

Grumm: Wotcher! I'm alive too you know.

Aryah: Oh Grumm! What… what a pleasant surprise! I... I totally remember you! Why, I'm so happy you're back too, I'm going to plan a feast!

Grumm: *frown*

**AFTER A FATALLY FANTASTIC FEAST**

Rose: Martin, come, my father wants to talk to you.

Martin: ...No male _ever_ wants to hear that.

**AND AFTER RETELLING THEIR ENTIRE ADVENTURE**

Urran Voh: My, how terrible. I'm glad you're safe here and not in that evil fortress Marshank. Now what about you, young Martin? Tell us about yourself.

Martin: I like sunshine, candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach, and not being on fire.

Urran Voh: ...

Aryah: ...O...kay.

Rose: Well he's got a point. Being on fire isn't very pleasant now is it.

Aryah: No I guess not.

Urran Voh: ...

Martin: Also, I'm the son of a chieftain as well, but I sense that won't raise your opinion of me.

Urran Voh: No. No, it won't.

Martin: Right. Well, since the waves of disapproval aren't too high yet, I'm also going to ask your permission to raise an army of Noonvalers to go back to Marshank.

Urran Voh: *cracks the pipe in his paws*

Aryah: Oh, come on, we'll at least let him try. Marshank needs to be exterminated, right dear?

Urran Voh: Fff… fine. But you must give me that sword, I will not allow you to wear it while you are in my village.

Martin: Let me think about thaaaaat... no. No thanks.

Urran Voh: …What?

Martin: I said no. Tu no comprendes Ingles?

Urran Voh: *starts to turn red*

Aryah: UH HEY MARTIN WHY DON'T YOU JUST HANG YOUR SWORD UP ON THIS PEG INSTEAD

Martin: Yeah, okay.

Rose: Awesome, come with me and I'll show you your room.

Urran Voh: *starts to steam out the ears*

Aryah: UM ACTUALLY LET ME DO THAT WE DON'T WANT YOU TALKING ALL NIGHT HA HA HA…

Martin: Are your parents always this weird?

Rose: *shrug*

**LATER THAT NIGHT**

Urran Voh: I don't know about that young mouse. I mean, who thinks about being on fire?

Aryah: Beasts that are on fire.

Urran Voh: Oh, so you're on his side?

Aryah: No, no, I see where he's coming from. You don't think about something until it happens to you.

Urran Voh: But... that's not... argh!

Aryah: Dude, he's totally got my vote.

**MEANWHILE**

Martin: I am so glad I'm not on fire right now.

Rose: It's nice to see you think of other things once in a while.

Martin: BAAADRANNNNG AARRRGH

Rose: I take that back.

Martin: …

Rose: …

Martin: What are you doing here?

Rose: *shrug* Romantic interlude?

Martin: Oh. I approve!

**TO BE CONTINUED, OBVIOUSLY.**


	7. Your Insurance Hates You

**Martin the Warrior, (really really) abridged.**

CHAPTERS 34-39.

**CHEERY MARSHANK**

Badrang: Those slaves will kill us instantly with their javelins if we step outside. I can't believe I'm being held under fortress arrest!

Lumpback the Weasel: Well… Galileo Galilei managed.

Badrang: But that man had a silly name and he was clearly stupid. 'Earth revolving around the sun', _pffft._ We live in the Middle Ages, the time of technology… plagues… and progress! We have no patience for his silly mind farts.

Boggs: I did not know you were so learned, O great leader!

Badrang: You've got to know these things when you're a tyrant, you know.

Lumpback: *sips tea* Quite right, my dear fellow.

Boggs: *eats biscuit*

Badrang: So… what are we supposed to be doing? And where'd you come from, anyway.

Lumpback: Oh, I'm a casting extra. They just threw me in here 'cause the director was mad that you kept killing your own horde in unreasonable rages.

Badrang: That was _ONE_ time! I get NO CREDIT around here! OUT! ALL OF YOU! OUT!

Lumpback: Yow! I'm leaving, I'm leaving!

Badrang: I SAID OUT!

Door: *is opened*

Felldoh: *throws javelin*

Lumpback: *is now dead*

Badrang: *slams door shut*

Boggs: I do believe that was the shortest life of a casting extra, ever.

Felldoh: *throws another javelin that goes through the door and kills Boggs*

Badrang: And that would be a close second.

Readers: Whoa, time out! That's not supposed to happen!

Author: I thought it'd be funny.

Readers: But what if Boggs shows up again later!

Author: I'll just resurrect him. Authors do that all the time, you know.

Badrang: YOU'LL NEVER GET ME, SQUIRREL!

Felldoh: I've got all night to try. Because I'll be here. All night. Right here. Yep.

Badrang: He's still outside, isn't he! Now I really can't leave! I better not even try.

Felldoh: *long gone*

**UP ON THE CLIFFS**

Ballaw: What's this! We'll not have emo characters in a Redwall book, that stinks of bad fanfiction. Let's have some smiles!

Brome: This is a very depressing time, Ballaw.

Ballaw: I'm an entertainer, I always try to cheer up sad beasts! Kind of like a mime, except less awkward.

Brome: Well… I'm worried, Ballaw! The climax is almost here, we've set up all the rising action and everything and I still haven't seen my sister!

Ballaw: You haven't looked for her too hard either.

Brome: …

Ballaw: But we'll conveniently forget that hypocrisy and blame the untimely death of someone on someone else when the time comes, shall we?

Brome: What? Do you have a script that I don't, or something?

Ballaw: No, I just break the fourth wall a little harder than most.

Brome: Anyway. I'm depressed, and stuff.

Ballaw: And again, I am an entertainer. I know, let's put on a show! Cheering everybeast up, boosting morale, pretending we're not at war, etcetera.

**THAT NIGHT **

A Performance Filled with Three Stooges-esque Slapstick Humour: *happens* *apparently it's funny* *I honestly don't care* *it's just not my kind of fun* *but whatever floats your boat* *and if your boat includes people hit in the face with pie* *well more power to you, bro* *though it kind of reminds me of high school* *like that one time –

Readers: Can we get ON with it?

Characters: Yes, get on with it!

Villagers: ON WITH IT!

Author: :(

**AFTERWARDS**

Felldoh: Good performance, eh dad?

Barkjon: HOLY SHITAKE MU – how long have you been sitting there?

Felldoh: I've been here the whole time. Really. Not threatening Baddy or anything. Well, I'll be off now. Toodles!

Barkjon: *suspicious squint*

Brome: Is it just me or is Felldoh acting suspicious?

Everybeast Else: *eyeroll*

Brome: I'm going to follow him tomorrow, because I'm under the suspicion that Felldoh is acting suspicious.

**MORNING IN NOONVALE**

Aryah: Greetings, warrior. I see you are an early riser, wandering our beautiful village and settling yourself at our waterfall to… brush your teeth.

Martin: Gaaaaargle shhhhh gaaaaar.

Aryah: I am concerned about you, warrior. You are restless here, and anxious to leave for Marshank, I feel. You worry about your father's sword and the stoat who took it from you. You are also defiling our public property.

Martin: Gaaaar rrrrr gleglegle garrrgle?

Aryah: Well no, there's no sign saying you _can't_, but, I mean… anyway, the battle you mean to fight…

Martin: Gggggraaagle.

Aryah: Nonetheless, I understand your ambition cannot be dimmed, nor can your revenge be stopped. You are as stubborn as my husband. It saddens me, however, that Rose will follow you into the midst of battle.

Martin: Don't worry madam. I'll protect her life better than I will my own. And I'm supposed to star in two more books, so you know I'm for real.

Aryah: Yes, well, could you try to be a little more… honorable when you say that? It's hard to take you seriously when you're spitting into a waterfall.

Martin: Hey, this toothpaste is super foamy.

**AFTER A GREAT BREAKFAST**

Rose: Sooooo this is our orchard. Hey Grumm, whatcha doing back there?

Grumm: Digging up this dead sycamore! We've been trying for years, but I guess we just magically suck at this.

Martin: Conveniently, I have a degree in Forestry!

Rose: A… what? What do you do with that, anyway.

Martin: I don't know, but it has to do with trees maybe.

Grumm: So you'll be able to help us!

Martin: But first, I'll need the biggest piece of wood you can find.

**A LITTLE WHILE LATER**

Urran Voh: Daughter, what on earth are you doing with that big piece of wood.

Rose: We're making a lever to uproot the sycamore in the orchard.

Urran Voh: HAH! We've been trying for years! Hah hah hah! Good luck with that.

**SHORTLY**

Sycamore: CCCCCCCRAAAASH! Tree down, tree down!

Noonvalians: HOORAY!

Urran Voh: Aaaaaaaah damn.

Martin: *smokes cigar*

**AT MARSHANK**

Badrang: Anybeast in sight?

Boggs: None, sir.

Badrang: How… didn't you die?

Boggs: What?

Badrang: Nothing, nothing. That's the magic of the written word, I guess. Anyway, you lot down there! The way's clear, start digging trenches!

His Minions: Aye, sir!

Boggs: I see somebeast approaching, sir!

Badrang: So get down there and hide! When I yell 'Marshank', jump out and capture them.

Felldoh: *sees Badrang standing alone on the walltops and starts running for him*

Brome: *following from a distance* Uh oh. Smells like a trap!

Tullgrew: He can't hear us shouting a warning, either!

Keyla: You all stay here, I'll run back and get help!

Felldoh: *throwing his javelin* Coward!

Badrang: Missed me!

Felldoh: Monster!

Badrang: Missed again!

Felldoh: Slaver!

Badrang: Neener neener neeeeener!

Felldoh: Your momma's so fat, when Jesus said he'd bring light to the world, he asked her to move over and stop blocking the sun.

Badrang's Minions: OOOOOOOOOOOH.

Felldoh: And she's so obese, she should probably consult a doctor about her weight because she is at an elevated risk of heart disease.

Badrang: THAT'S IT! I'm coming down there to kill you, squirrel!

Marshank's Gates: *open*

Brome: Hell's bells, they're really going to do it. Felldoh's really going to kill him or die trying. What bravery! I'm suddenly… kind of crushing again.

Tullgrew: I thought you suddenly hated him? Jeeze, make up your mind.

Felldoh & Badrang: *fighting savagely*

Felldoh: *dodges Badrang's sword*

Badrang: *gets butted in the paw*

Felldoh: *gets his footpaw sliced*

Badrang: *gets punched in the stomach*

Brome: Why doesn't Felldoh kill him? Why is he beating him with the javelin?

Tullgrew: Because that's how Badrang used to beat us slaves.

Brome: …Parents, are you really reading this book to your children.

Felldoh: HAHAHAHA! WHY ARE YOU CRYING, HUH? DOES THAT HURT? YEAH? HAHAHAHA!

Badrang: MAAAAAAR-ow-SHAAAAAANK-ow!

Author: There's no way to make this part funny, because it's pretty brutal.

**IN NOONVALE, BOLDRED ARRIVES WITH NEWS**

Boldred: First off, Brome lives.

Martin: Yeah yeah, boring.

Boldred: And Felldoh has gone to face Badrang alone.

Martin: WHAT!

Boldred: The rest of the camp of creature that I found have gone to help him as we speak. That is, if Felldoh is alive when they reach him.

Martin: We need to leave NOW.

Boldred: A creature named Barkjon said that you'd say that; so he says to you, come quick and bring help.

Martin: You heard the owl! Who's coming?

Rose: I am!

Martin: ...Anyone… else?

Urran Voh: Rose, you're staying here. You'd be of no help anyway.

Rose: Not true! I can like… do stuff… and things…

Martin: No seriously, why _are_ you coming.

Rose: Iiiiiiiiwannabewithyou?

Martin: Yikes. IS ANYONE ELSE COMING TO WAR?

Urran Voh: We are not warriors, Martin, but these thirteen creatures will go.

Martin: Awwww.

Boldred: Don't worry, I've recruited many more than that for your cause!

Martin: Yaaay!

Boldred: The Gawtribe squirrels and Amballa's pigmy shrews.

Martin: Awwww.

**MEANWHILE, WHERE THE ACTION IS**

Brome: Oh my Jacques! He's… Felldoh, he's…

Fur And Freedom Fighters: We're here!

Brome: Too late… Felldoh is… it took twenty of them to…

Ballaw: Quick! Turn the cart to make shelter around him. The war has started.

Projectiles: *start flying*

Ballaw: Oh darn, look at that, shot in the paw.

Brome: …

Ballaw: Why thank you for that bandage, almost as good as new now!

Brome: …

Ballaw: Really? The silent treatment? Yeesh.

Kastern: Yeah, he's a brooder. I don't blame him – Felldoh's dead, we're being starved out, and we're boxed in on all sides. On the bright side, look at all these arrows they're supplying us with.

Ballaw: Now they want to parley! I'll tell you where you can stick your _parley, _Baddy!

Kastern: Aaaaand now they're using fire arrows. Thank you. So much.

Ballaw: Eh, nothing a lawsuit won't solve. Joke's on you, Badrang – this vehicle has fire insurance!

**ON THE BROADSTREAM**

Starwort: Wotcher fellas! Ready for some slicing and dicing and screaming and bleeding?

Rose: Uhmm….?

Martin: YEAHHH!

Pallum: Hey, why are those shrews here?

Boldred: Oh yeah, they're coming too. The more the merrier, right?

Grumm: Now they'll want us to sit in on their cellular microbiology conferences again. Ugh. Stab me.

Boldred: Martin, calm down. Staring at the river won't make it go faster.

Martin: You can't possibly know that.

Boldred: …What.

Martin: I might have mental powers. In later books I invade people's nightmares and speak to creatures long after I'm dead. Eventually I'll see into the future. I'm the closest thing to a wizard in this entire series. So why shouldn't I make this river move faster? We're in the middle ages, we don't know jack about physics yet. It could have been my mind.

Boldred: But that's not… the author just skipped ahead, you didn't…

Martin: MENTAL. POWERS.

Boldred: You're a jerk.

Martin: A god-modding super saiyan bloodthirsty awesome jerk.

Rose: He's so awesome, World of Warcraft should have a character class based off him.

Martin: You can't deny.

Boldred: You guys are nuts. *flies off*

Martin: Good work team. *highfives Rose* I thought she'd never leave.

**LATER**

Gulba the Hedgehog: Hey guys, you haven't met me yet but I'm totally gonna fight too.

Pallum: Wow, short notice much.

Gulba: Yeah, well, I just got casted yesterday. So did these other hundred or so creatures come to your aid.

Martin: _Nice._

Marigold: Watch out, rapids ahead!

Grumm: Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-_rapids_?

Rose: Is our life insurance still in effect?

Marigold: Hahahahaha! No. You had to renew your policy within 30 days.

Rose: Damn it! But I was traveling! I couldn't check my mail!

Marigold: Don't blame me, sweetie. Blame the system.

Starwort: We're going to be laughing all the way to the bank – I mean, Marshank. Did I say bank? Totally meant Marshank.

**AT THE BANK**

Rowanoak: Looks like another bright, hot, bloody day. If only we could eat arrows, cause we've got plenty of _those_.

Ballaw: Hahahaha… don't tempt me.

Rowanoak: Think we'll be receiving any help from this Martin creature?

Ballaw: Heh. You're just a barrel of laughs today.

Groot: Awesome! Killed a redshirt!

Buckler: Eh, those are too easy, only ten points.

Brome: Meanwhile, we're out of herbs and bandages.

Rowanoak: The wall's gone silent… they're probably planning a charge. We'll have to fight tooth and claw.

Celandine: Oh, I do so hate ruining my manicure. It's so hard to get the blood out from your nails.

Rowanoak: Comrades, it's been an honor serving with you. Let's give 'em hell and vinegar, or however that saying goes.

Marshank's Gates: *BURST OPEN*

**TO BE CONTINUED**

1) Next chapter is the last one. If I promised you an appearance – don't worry, you're in it :)

2) I am aware that Europe's Middle Ages did indeed have a working grasp of physics. It was a joke. In a fanfic. Calm down. Ssssh. Don't cry.

**3) New(er) Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing except the way the words are strung together to form sentences. If you recognize a reference to something else, that's where it came from. **

4) I'm really hungry. How you guys doin'?

5) Oh yeah sorry about the wait, it shouldn't happen again, considering there's only one chapter left. Or maybe I'm just that evil? I _did_ kick a kitten the other day.

6) I'm just kidding, that's terrible. I _threw_ the kitten.

7) Animal cruelty is never funny, unless they're fictional characters.


	8. The End

_Final chapter, so buckle up readers. It's a doozy. _

**Martin the Warrior, (really really) abridged.**

CHAPTERS 40-42.

**AT THE END OF THEIR JOURNEY**

Martin: *jumps out of the boat* TO WARRRRRR!

Rose: …Should we tell him?

Martin: **WARRRRRRR!**

Boldred: You're going the wrong way.

Martin: **RRRRRR** - *sharp U-turn*

Rose: Talk about single-minded.

Martin: *screeches to a halt*

Grumm: What's wrong?

Martin's Army: *comes into view and it… is verrrrrrry big*

Martin: Ah… ah… the.. abba… ga… waah…

Rose: What?

Grumm: I think we broke Martin. Can we get a new one?

Martin: **HO HO HO NOW I HAVE AN ARMY! **

Pallum: Let's just hope enough of them die so we don't have to pay their wages.

All: *stare*

Pallum: What? That's the reality of war. Just cause it's a kid's book you think war is sunshine and roses?

Grumm: There are no jokes in that territory, we can't go there!

Queen Amballa: Warriormouse Martinmouse, tis dangerous to go alone! Take this.

Martin: *takes her short sword*

Rose: Anyway, what's that I see in the distance?

Martin: **MARSHANK!** BADRANG, BE READY TO MEET YOUR END! FOR I HAVE LEVELED UP AND YEA, VERILY I SAY UNTO YOU, I SHALL **_KICK YOUR ASS_.**

Martin's Army: _CHAAAARRRRRRRRGE!_

**AT MARSHANK'S GATES**

Horde of Redshirts: *charge the Rambling Rosehip Players*

Ballaw: Well folks, you know what they say. When in Rome, kill some Romans.

First Wave of Horde of Redshirts: *die*

**ON THE WALLTOPS**

Badrang: Splendid so far, I must say! Even the weather is nice.

Boggs: Wasn't that thunder?

Badrang: Fool, there's no thunder!

Boggs: Maybe not, but there is a rumble in the distance.

Badrang: Psssh.

Boggs: Nevermind. That's a giant army in the distance.

Badrang: Jacques damn you Jimmy Gibbs Junior!

Boggs: I don't think anyone's going to get that joke.

Badrang: Oh. Not even you? Left 4 Dead? That part when -

Boggs: I'm not really into Pokemon.

Badrang: That's not -

Boggs: No, I'm not going to role-play with you. Stop asking.

Badrang: Sigh.

**IN THE SHALLOWS**

Ballaw: Bam! Have a taste of my fist! Whack! And some of my feet! I didn't wash them, just for you!

Horde of Redshirts: We'll not risk another frontal assault! That rabbit's dynamite!

Ballaw: Scared you off, did I? Haha! They do smell mighty horrible, being all gigantic and all.

Rowanoak: What _are_ you talking about.

Horde of Redshirts: Surprise attack from behind! RETREAT!

Rowanoak: Looks like we have backup!

Ballaw: Aww. Couldn't that army have waited until I killed everyone first?

Rowanoak: Sometimes I think you're _too _badass.

Ballaw: Who's complaining?

**ON THE WALLTOPS**

Badrang: You'll never get my pony! SPARKLEHOOVES IS MINE!

Sparklehooves: Neigh!

Crosstooth: What'd he say?

Stumptooth: 'Slash their ropes and throw nets and boulders over the walls!', I think.

Badrang: Mine, my pretty, alllll mine yes yes _you are_…

Sparklehooves: _Oh lord_ _please help me._

**OVER SOMEWHERE**

Rose: Oh, you're here too.

Warden: THE LAW NEVER SLEEPS!

Boldred: Or shuts up, unfortunately.

Warden: YOU MUST RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!

Ballaw: Thanks for the help, chaps - but you're not doing a whole lot. We need a plan!

All: …

Ballaw: You _do _have a plan, yes? You didn't just run into battle, yes?

Rose: …

Rowanoak: That's it, take us to your leader.

**AT THE GATES**

Martin: BADRANNNNGG! I hope barbarians invade your personal space! And that Pyramid Head moves in next door to you! RAAAAAAH!

Rose: Martin, calm down! You're wild with rage! Your eyes are red with the lust of war!

Gulba: There's a Visine for that.

Martin: RAAAAAAAAA - oh, heyyy Rose.

Rose: We need to talk! About that plan! That we don't have!

Martin: You shouldn't be here! It's too dangerous, you might get hurt!

Pallum: What about us?

Martin: I don't care about you guys, so you can stay.

Boulders And Arrows And Nets: *fall like rain*

Pallum: Oh joy.

**AT THE WAR COUNCIL**

Martin: A plan? I'll give you a plan! Boldred and the Warden will drop the nets thrown at us to climb the north wall while the Gawtrybe squirrels climb the south. To distract them as we invade, we'll push the Rosehip Players' burning cart at the gates. Queen Amballa and those hedgehogs we just met will climb the north wall and the otters will go with the squirrels. Moles, you'll dig a way into the fortress so the rest of us can get in. We're gonna make Badrang more nervous than a short nun at a penguin shoot.

Barkjon: And I'll be in charge of burying my son.

Martin: He was truly a badass of badasses. This battle shall be known as "The Battle In Which I was Awesome And Felldoh Helped Too."

Brome: *whispering* What happened to Martin's ego?

Rose: I might have confessed my feelings to him. Possibly. Just a little. 48%.

Brome: *facepalm*

Rose: Don't you mean, *muzzlepaw*?

Brome: It's technically correct, but don't hold your breath for me to say it.

Rose: Right. Anyway, I'm glad you're still alive, or something.

Brome: Oh, yeah! You're here safe and sound! I'm so relieved! We haven't changed at all!

Rose: …

Brome: …

Rose: Aaaaawkwaaaard…

**WALLTOP GOSSIP**

Fleabane: Aw, they're trying to fix their cart. It's so pathetic, it's almost cute.

Rotnose: At least they're leaving! Remember that crazy squirrel? Ugh. Good thing _that's_ over.

Fleabane: Since they're clearly not coming back, I'm gonna take a nap.

Rotnose: Good idea. I'll have another after you. Some shut-eye won't hurt anything!

Readers: **_AUGH_**

Author: I'm sorry, okay? It's right there in the book! Come on, irony is good for you – it's rich in iron!

**SO. ANYWAY**

Clogg's Voice: Yeeeehehehe! Yore all gonna die!

Boggs: What happened to this guy?

Crosstooth: Oh yeah, Badrang whacked him in the head and Clogg was never right since. Not that he was sane to begin with, but now he's _worse_.

Clogg's Voice: SPARKLEHOOVES IS A LIE! Also, yore all dead.

Boggs: What a creep!

Clogg's Voice: The night is dark and full of terrors! Yeeehehehehe! Winter is coming! _Valar morghulis_! EEEHEHEHE!

Crosstooth: I don't think he even knows what book he's in anymore. Quickly, let's get inside. Everyone in this fortress is becoming insane!

Clogg: *hiding inside a grave* Five points from Gryffindor, Harrrryyy… *paauuuuuuuuse*… Pottttter.

**THAT NIGHT, UNDER THE STARS, WITH ROMANTIC MUSIC DRIFTING THROUGH THE AIR WHILE THE OTHERS ARE SLEEPING**

Martin: Whoa whoa whoa! We're just playing cards. Six?

Author: Is that what kids are calling it these days?

Rose: Go fish. Although, why _aren't _we making out?

Martin: Good question.

Phil Collins: **CAAAAAAN YOU FEEEEEL THE LOOOOOOVE TONIIIIIIGHT**…

Somebeast: Hey, we're trying to sleep over here!

Phil Collins: Sorry!

**THE NEXT MORNING**

Martin: Wake up, Ballaw. It's time.

Ballaw: I do love the smell of napalm in the morning!

Martin: Napalm? What's that?

Ballaw: It makes things go boom.

Martin: I want three!

**MARSHANK**

Guard 1: *sleep*

Fire Cart of Fire: *approach*

Guard 2: *sleep*

Fire Cart of Fire: *approach*

Guard 3: *sleep*

Fire Cart of Fire: HI GUYS! LET'S BE FRIENDS!

Guards: Aaaaaaaaaah! Fire! Somewhere! Put it out!

Fire Cart of Fire: I'M ACTUALLY REALLY FRIENDLY! I HAVE NO CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SPACE

Guards: OH NOOOOOOOOOO! Get water! Sand! Something!

Fire Cart of Fire: CAUSE I'M ON FIRE? AND HEADED STRAIGHT FOR YOU GUYS?

Fire Card of Fire: BOY I SURE HOPE WE HAVE LOTS OF FUN!

Badrang: Everybeast to the front wall! Put out the fire!

Clogg: FIRE CANNOT HURT A TARGARYEN! BWeeehEEEEEheehehahaheHEEEE! I'm totally craycray at this point! I don't even have a script! The director's like "Just say silly things" so you know, that's what I'm doing …GIYGAS EATS YOURS PRAYERS!

**A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS **

Announcer: Are your eyes itchy? Red? Tired? Is the smoke from the torched homes of your enemies making your eyes sting and burn? Does the rage pumping through your blood and fueling your wrath irritate your eyes? Then try all new Visine eyedrops – God of War Strengh! Extra strong for immediate relief! Don't let the ash and smog stop you from killing who you need to kill. Now with God of War Visine, you can get on with your kill-tastic day!

**BACK TO OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING **

Fire Cart of Fire: I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU ALL! THIS IS GONNA BE –

Rowanoak: *one last massive push*

Fire Cart of Fire: **CRAAAAAASH!**

Ballaw: Archers! Fire!

Archers: Yes, we know. We set it aflame, remember? Pushed it into the gate? *eyeroll*

Ballaw: I meant _shoot your bows_!

Archers: Why didn't you say that in the first place? Yeesh!

Ballaw: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I've watched Die Hard like five times.

**ELSEWHERE**

Boldred & Warden: Nets ahoy!

Queen Amballa: Climbeth the net, my subjects!

All Her Creatures: *climb over the wall*

Grumm: Now it's time to show these fools how it's done. Tunnel away my brothers!

Pallum: Sooooo… it's just you and me now, huh?

Rose: *inches away*

Pallum: Hey, I didn't mean it like that! Ever watch the cartoon? I'm a _girl_ in that!

Rose: So? What's wrong with my gender?

Pallum: Nothing, I just meant we were supposed to have a girl's night or something.

Rose: A… girl's night?

Pallum: Yeah. You know. Painting toenails, having tea parties, standard girl fare and what have you. It would be fun!

Rose: You realize that "girl's night" is codeword for us robbing banks and comparing machine guns, right? The makeup and shopping is just to ward off spies. How else do you explain all our money?

Pallum: That… explains a lot about girls.

Rose: Yeah. I'm going to go girl out on this enemy, if you don't mind.

Pallum: Be my guest.

Rose: *shoots somebeast in the eye*

**ON THE BEACH**

Martin: *holding a bow* Have I even ever used this before? *fires arrow*

Vermin With A Sudden Case of Arrow In The Throat: gurgle gurgle death!

Martin: Of _course_ I'm a boss at this with no previous experience whatsoever.

Ballaw: Incoming status report, sir! Apparently, wood burns well.

Rowanoak: Who knew! What's next, boss?

Martin: _Fulfilling my destiny_. *cape flutters in the wind* Which happens to be by the north wall.

Ballaw: Hey, why don't _I_ have a cape for cool moments? I think I've earned it enough!

Martin: You think this is cool? Wait till you see me walk away from an explosion.

Rowanoak: *dreamy sigh*

**INSIDE THE SEIGED FORTRESS**

Badrang: Oh god oh god oh god oh god

Sparklehooves: Wish you hadn't been a dick all your life _now_, huh?

Badrang: _Mommy heeeeeeeeeeeeelp _*climbs out the longhouse window*

Martin: **HULK SMASH! FALCON PUNCH! PK THUNDER! ODIN'S HAMMER! HYPERBEAM! **

All In His Way: *fall like flies*

Badrang: Yep not gonna engage that fellow. Gonna keep creepin'…

**MEANWHILE OTHERS DO COOL STUFF TOO**

Starwort: The gates are going to come down!

Rowanoak: *leaps over the flaming gates and wipes dust off her shoulder* I got ninety-nine problems but a door ain't one.

**STILL A-CREEPIN **

Badrang: Almost… to the escape… almost…

**SUDDENLY A WILD MARTIN APPEARS**

Badrang: OUT OF MY WAY!

Grumm: NO!

Rose: DON'T YOU DARE HURT MY FRIEND!

Badrang: AVADA KREVADA!

Rose: -!

Martin: Oh no. Oh, _no_. **OH NO KOOL-AID**! *leaps from the walltop*

Pallum: You're not going anywhere, Badrang!

Martin: BADRANG! I… AM… YOUR DEATH! *starts slashing with the shrew sword*

Badrang: *bites Martin's shoulder*

Martin: *picks him up and throws him*

Badrang: I – will not –

Martin: *stabs him in the heart* It is done.

…

…

…

…

…

** A FEW HOURS LATER, AS THE SURVIVORS ARE TENDING TO THE INJURED**

Brome: Well, we've done it. The fortress has fallen.

Rowanoak: Yet our victory did not come without losses.

Martin: Rose… she's dead… gone forever… _unless…_

Brome: Martin, no! Voodoo is not the answer! You know they always come back with a thirst for brains!

Martin: I have a _different_ idea.

**IN A DARK ALLEY, SOMEWHERE IN THE CITY OF FANDOM**

Martin: So you're sure you can do this?

Warrior4: Not a problem, leave it to me.

Money: *is exchanged*

Warrior4: You'll hear from me soon. _Real_ soon. *vanishes into the night*

**AT POLLEEKIN'S **

Martin: Well what am I supposed to do now?

Author: Travel south!

Martin: Alright. Just as long as I don't have to fight wildcats or whatever.

Author: *Hands him the MOSSFLOWER script*

Martin: …DAMN IT

Martin: And who the heck is this "Gonff" fellow.

Author: Somebeast you will form a meaningful and lifelong friendship with!

Martin: Well that means a lot, considering how my last "meaningful friendship" ended up.

Author: No, trust me, you'll never be able to get rid of_ this_ guy.

Readers: Did you just make a reference to your own fanfic?

Author: NO

Readers: YES YOU DID YOU TOTALLY DID

Author: ALL LIES

Readers: WHERE DID THE PUNCTUATION GO

**IN THE NEXT BOOK**

Martin: You got married when I was in a COMA?

Gonff: I… well…

Martin: How is that possibly cool? BROS BEFORE HOS!

Gonff: Jacques doesn't want to include religion in Redwall!

Martin: SO HE MADE MY BEST FRIEND GET HITCHED WHILE I WAS THREE HEARTBEATS AWAY FROM CATATONIC. THAT MAKES EVERYTHING SO MUCH BETTER.

Gonff: I'm sorryyyyyyyy…

Martin: Fine, see if I invite you to MY wedding!

Gonff: But you're never gonna get married!

Warrior4: *shifty eyes*

**IN A DARK BASEMENT LABORATORY**

Warrior4: It's… ALIVE!

Rose: _Braaaaaains…_

Warrior4: Uh… Rose?

Rose: BRAAAAAAAAINS!

Warrior4: ABORT! **ABORT!**

**THE END?**

1) **I own nothing, nothing, nothing… except Sparklehooves, I really did make that up. Everything else, not mine. Especially Warrior4 and Phil Collins, that would be slightly illegal. **

2) This chapter was late because I got married and graduated from college, in that order. Who feels bad now, huh?

3) Hope you enjoyed. I know some people pissed and moaned but hey, I had fun writing it, and that's who I'm writing for in the end – me. If others liked it, then that's a bonus.

4) I'm sad I didn't get to use all the jokes I was planning for this, but they just didn't fit. I had so many :( Maybe I'll do a "behind the scenes" or something to get them out of the way?


End file.
